George Thouroughgood and Miley Cyrus

At an interview a man asked what is on my IPod-  I told him I had George Thouroghgood(one burbon, one scotch, one beer), Stevie Ray Vaughn(if the house is a rocken), Asleep at the wheel (bump bounce boogie), and Miley Cyrus (It's all right here)  -

He was fine until I got to Miley . . .  

How can you not like someone who can sell this song?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b4Lp_TQ-Q8s

Incarnation

I thought Angie was so cute.   First year of high school and she was cute and funny and smart and laughed well and was just too much fun.  

I don't really know what she thought of me.  I was too tall and too thin and a confused mess of cowboy moved to the city getting high with the freaks  and smart enough to hang with the geeky smart kids but out of control enough to be more at home with any and all of the trouble-makers on campus.    She and I would talk at school sometimes and occasionally after school I would walk to her house and we would listen to music and take ourselves and life way too seriously until finally one or the other of us would finally say something to remind us that life is just funny.  She had to know I was smitten and I always knew she wasn't but we were friends.

Over the months and years our friendship softened and we talked less and less.  

We still saw each periodically.  At school, at the park or out shopping, we would bump into each other and say hello and as is often the case those moments awakened a bittersweet melancholy. Angie was always Angie- to me she never seemed to change.  She was always cute and funny and socially graceful.  At 14 she had a spunky personality that by 20 had matured into a sparkly bright and engaging personality.  The woman she grew into fulfilled all the promise of the girl she was.

After we went off to college years went by and I didn't see Angie.  I wondered how she was and where she was but I didn't follow up.  

A friend of mine was attending graduate school at the University and between classes he was sitting on the lawn and began talking to a cute young woman there.  They talked and laughed and she had a wonderful sparkly and engaging personality.  He admits that he was smitten and he knew that she was not.  Over the semester the met regularly and became friends and as friends sometimes do they began to explore who they may know in common and realized they both knew me-  yeah!

"How is Mark?" she asked-  and then . . . "and what is his current incarnation?"

A service brat becomes a beach kid in Florida became a cowboy in New Mexico became a trouble making long haired freaky kid musician became a Jesus Freak became a fitness fellow became a series of yuppie fellows a husband a father a divorced single dad an executive a business owner a realtor a single man who is full circle flat broke living alone in a city with no friends or family with a dog and a question:

"How is Mark?"  

" . . . and what is his current incarnation?"

I think I like it.

A few months ago Bella moved in with me.   As she is young and athletic I have started making a point of getting out with her every day so that she can get some exercise.  Since I was going to be out for her anyway I decided to make sure it was productive for me as well.  So-

Every day (or at least 6 of 7) we get out and spend at least an hour walking, jogging, running.  

Some observations:

• First-  I was in truly horrible shape when we started this.  Sad!
• A couple months into this I am in much better shape-  still a long way to go but it is nice to be able to tell that I am getting more fit.  Yeah!
• I tend to be a goal driven, plan oriented person AND being goal driven and plan oriented is not supportive of fully experiencing the fullness of time.
• An hour spent outside, moving, and unavailable to the phone and the internet has a huge impact on my day.  I had not realized that for several decades I have NEVER been out of touch and other than sleeping time have been constantly aware of those things.  

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At the beginning of our walk Bella wants to pull on the leash and is clearly impatient that I don't go faster-  if I pull her up short she will walk by my side without pulling but as soon as she senses enough slack in the leash she moves ahead to the end.  She has learned that she can walk well out in front as long as the leash isn't taught-  there should be just a bit of bounce.  When she gets anxious and pulls all I have to do is speak her name and she will slow just long enough to regain the slack . . .  occasionally she will look back at me and I am sure she is disapproving of my slow pace at the beginning.

She has learned which shorts and shoes I wear to take her out and if I am wearing them and pick up my MP3 player she knows and dashes to the door and sits . . . wiggling and squealing with excitement.  

When we first started I laid out a route that was four miles out the door and back.  Down the hill, around the block, past the nice homes that back up to the lake, up to Hurst Creek Rd., down to the main entrance to the City Park, down the drive and parking lot, then both the upper and lower trails along the lake, and back to the house.  Simple!  So off we went . . . 

I checked the time as I left the house and off we went, Bella tugging on the leash and with out of shape me sweating and panting along behind her.    8am on a Thursday.  Five after 8 as we reached the bottom of the first hill and passed the mailboxes I reached in my pocket for my cell phone I had deliberately left at home.    I can't check email.  No-one can call me.  I won't even know . . .     a few minutes later we came abreast the park -  a quarter mile short of the entrance I had planned on and routed us to and remembered the short cut!  I can leave the road right here, cut through a couple  hundred yards of good trail, and save over a half mile! Then I realized that if I cut across on the lakeside trail I could save another half  mile!  Wow!  Those two smart shortcuts would save me over a mile and as slowly as I was currently walking that would get me home 20 minutes early and  . . . .

This has been a hard lesson to learn but I am making progress . .  

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Yesterday, we were walking on another trail where we go quite a bit.  We are both in a bit better shape now and just as importantly I am learning to enjoy the passing of time and observing the world I am passing through.  From our place it is just about 1/2 mile to the trailhead where it crosses the creek near the house-  from there are several miles of carefully groomed wide trails with only modest inclines going in several directions.  Along those trails there are other more interesting trails that head up the sides of the canyon on each side of the creek-  narrow, often steep, with rocks and roots and slippery parts that take you into  areas far less traveled.  We have covered all those trails in the park and have started exploring.    The animal trails, the creekbeds, the little meadows and draws are wonderful.

I still struggle sometimes with the need to "get done and get on to what is next" but I am doing better.   For the first weeks I often found myself headed home earlier than I had anticipated- either because I was getting faster (finally) or because I had taken a shortcut.  I am finally reaching a point where new trails are simply new and are not shortcuts -  lately it is becoming important to remind myself to head back and "do what must be done" rather than having to force myself to continue moving and experiencing the world.  

It has always been a conundrum that I find my self drawn, almost to the point of being driven,  to work at things I don't enjoy doing and to face problems that I don't enjoy solving, talking to people I don't enjoy talking to.  There are things I enjoy-  things I love-  things that I look forward to-  BUT that is not the places I find myself going-  what's up with that?  

Why do I find it easier to think about work, to worry about money, to dwell on financial and professional obligations, to focus on business goals than it is to think about the things I love, to make sure I am finding time and energy to enjoy my life, to dwell on growing in the areas I enjoy developing, and to wrap my mind and heart around enjoying my life?

I think that I will consider that question in those next few hours I spend in the woods with Bella.

Back to our walk~  As we trotted up the trail yesterday we saw several deer through the trees and Bella tugged at the leash and pointed out a faint trail that headed over the edge of the trail and down toward the creekbed at the bottom of the canyon.  I had hooked Bella's leash to the end of a longer line that I tie around my waist as a belt and the end of it adds another 8 or 9 feet to the leash-  it is much easier for us to not trip each other  with 15 or 18 feet of leash between us.    We headed off the groomed trail and over the edge and headed down the deer trail.   Bella is patient with me as I can't move as quickly as she can but once we are well off the main trail I released her and let her run.  

At the bottom of the draw is  the creekbed- it's late summer so there's not lot of water and it only flows off and on but there are great pools; full of small fish and turtles and surrounded by tall reeds.  We are very close to town-  I know there are homes within a 1/4 mile or so but down here there is no evidence; the only sounds are Bella's splashing in the water, the sound of our feet across the earth, and the rustle of leaves in the breeze.    Bella stays close-  she has a great nose and will move downwind well out of sight but upwind she makes sure she can see or hear me.  She will come if I call but I don't;  she runs with her nose the ground and although she is nearly silent when you look at her you can almost see her laughing with joy as she just enjoys being.  Stopping she will look across at me, through the grass and it almost feels as it she is asking me "do you see it?  do you smell it? are you experiencing it?  are you as happy as I am right here and right now?"

It's probably not more than a half mile up the draw to the cove where the lake is fed by this creek and we work our way up to the wide meadow that marks the place where the creek spills into Hurst Cove and fills the lake.  Late summer the lake is pretty low and grass covers several acres with stands of reeds dotting the areas where small pools hold water.    Bella runs and I walk and we splash and laugh and let the sun speak it's warmth to our skin.  

We headed back after a bit-  We climbed out of the draw, found the trail, and headed home.  Bella walks near me on the trail until we get closer in and I put her back on the leash.  She stays close and contentendly rubs against my leg as we make our way back up the trail, across the creek, out onto the street, up the hill and home.  

I don't know how long we wandered there but I do know that only rarely have I managed to forget what comes next.  

I think I like it.

Tit's up . . .

Months have passed;  things have changed, things are still the same . . .

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Tit's up . . .  DOA . . .  the fat lady has sung . . . .  

For nearly a year I have been working with the idea in my head that I can, and perhaps more importantly should, sell my way out of my current financial situation, pay off all my creditors, and having done so I could, and probably would, be proud of having done "the right thing."

Ain't going to happen.

As of this month I have accepted that it is not just a possibility but a fact that I have failed financially.  My creditors will not be paid, my obligations will not be met, my good word was not so good.  

Wow-  I would love to wake up and realize this is a dream but  . . . it's not.  I am thoroughly bruised from pinching myself but I am as awake as I am going to be.  

I have failed to live up to my word -  I have proven myself not to be a person with the level of integrity I have always believed.  

And the sun still came up today.

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Interesting that the entire US economy has gone into a tail spin when I missed payments this month.  Investment bankers are failing, AIG has been taken over by the feds, Freddie and Fannie had to be bailed out by the government . . .

I never realized how important I was to the economy.

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When I was in my last year of high school(my junior year but that is another story)  I became a Christian.   Since that time I have moved my beliefs so that I don't probably meet the strict definition of a Christian but there are several ideas that I consider truly wonderful "take-aways." As I try to put a life together "from where I am with what I have" it seems helpful to grab anything that helps-  later I may add others but right now - what can I use from my Christian faith?

• forgiveness-  Yeah!  I made a mistake, (or a bunch of them in this case), but I am forgiven.  There are consequences that must be paid, but my errors don't make me evil.  
• repentance-  Hey-  this is important.  Repentance must mean to stop, to change directions, learn the lessons, and to choose differently.   I think in order to be forgiven I must stop, change directions, and BE different in the future.
• rebirth-  "you must be born again."  It seems to me that being re-born requires that divine intervention that makes it possible for you to be a new person-  with that divine rebirth I am empowered to respond and behave differently.  Having been given the gift of that new self I have an obligation to choose to use that gift to choose those responses and actions that reflect who I will be, the new me, rather than those that reflect who I have been.
• being loved-  I have never completely understood the concept of absolute divine love but I do believe that each of us are specifically and personally loved by God (the universe, the divine, the force, the Tao, the goddess, whatever/however we choose to define the unknowable eternal creator) If we are loved that way then we are deserving all the good that is!
• Easter-  whether you take the story as being historically factual or not, the retelling of the tale has become a wonderful mythical analogy for that whole process of accepting my sins (flaws, errors, mistakes, actions, lack of actions, bad choices, etc), allowing them to kill the me that was responsible for them, and having died to them, rise up as a new person who is alive to all the wonderful possibilities of the endless limitless future.
• Christmas-  regardless of the history or the mythology, I just love the holiday.  Nothing to do with my situation, I just love the warmth, the awareness of love and support and giving and family and friends and the needy and . . .  Happy Christmas!
• Faith-  "the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen"   Substance.  Hope.  Evidence.  

The point of all that is that through all this mess I depend on my faith to remind me that I must accept the "death" I am experiencing to the life that I thought I was living; the forgiveness for the mistakes made; and then to display my repentance by choosing to live-choose-act differently; and then having been born into a new life I should demonstrate moment by moment that I am that new person.   I love, I am loved, and will celebrate both the loving and the being loved.  

I am also looking forward to Christmas!

Plan, Focus, Work, Do it-

I had a pretty yucky week this week- no-ones fault I suppose but certainly no-one other than me will find a good reason to change it. So- here are some thoughts for this Saturday afternoon.

Met a nice woman and although it is unlikely that we will become all that my imagination hoped it was a wonderful painful exciting learning experience. Shook her hand, looked in her eyes, felt the world spin around us as I experienced something I hadn’t in a long long time. Nice. Scary – but I liked the rush!

Realized that I have not been applying the combination of self understanding and self discipline to get from where I am to where I would like to be. Soon. (For what it is worth I am not talking about solving my personal, financial, emotional, romantic, and physical problems- I am simply talking about getting to a place where I have confidence that I am addressing each of them, have a plan in place, and am enjoying success in consistently moving forward. The place is to be successfully on the journey~)

Allowed myself to wallow in fear and self pity and worse yet, I allowed myself to give that fear form by verbalizing my fears-

I look back and wonder what I was expecting- was someone going to offer a solution? Huh? Like what? “Here Mark, have a boatload of money, an infusion of confidence, a bit of extra sweet personality, and shoot fire, let’s top it off by introducing you to the woman of your dreams”

I know better. I knew better then.

More likely I was looking for empathy? Sympathy? Pity? Someone to tell me I am alright even though I have done a whole bunch of stupid things? The magic word that will forgive my poor self control, the damage I have done to my life and the lives of a few others? Having done so did I hope that they would fix things so that I would never do such things again?

Like I said, I know better. I knew better then.

I am taking a Hiatus from my Friday Meetings- I have come to look forward to seeing those people as they are all good people: intelligent, capable, wonderfully complex and hard-working people who (even more than most people) surprise with their depth of experience and their unique perspectives. In other words, I like them! I have not put a lot of energy into connecting with people since I escaped from my relationship and Fridays have been a high point of the week. I actually have fun and will miss them.

On the other hand, it is time for me to spend several solid weeks making careful choices that reflect what I know about myself, what works in terms of getting my personal productivity back to a good place, and most importantly it is time to allow myself to express myself in those unique and wonderful ways that are me. Friday Life Empowerment Group was becoming a place and time I hoped to find the answer, the easy button for my life. Looking for the swami to help me find enlightenment . . .

When the time comes (in a week, a month, many months?) that I step back into the group it will be because I am looking for people with whom to share successes, to fine tune the steps I am taking in improving my manifestation of myself, to offer my support, and to enjoy the camaraderie of fellow pilgrims.

Should anyone from my Friday Group read this, hello! Welcome! I hope I am clearly expressing my respect and affection for you. Y’all are fun and I hope to see you again before too very long~

I have come to firmly believe that I am the only one who can act in my life, and further I have a pretty good idea of what does and does not work in my life. It is now time for me to do what I know is the right thing to do. I have a good handle on what I would like to see happen. If I struggle to prioritize and organize the process of getting it done I may ask (my counselor, my friends, mentors) for ideas but even then I know that I have to be the one who decides what to do and then go and do it. There are endless volumes on helping people blessed/cursed with ADD/ADHD work through this process I have read more than one or two of them- It is time to stop reading them and put them to work.

I just read the book I mentioned earlier “The Disorganized Mind” by Nancy Ratey. It is on the process of “self-coaching” for ADD/ADHD adults. Interesting how familiar the process seemed as I read through it- very similar to the basic process used in work organization in many companies.

Some years ago I was running a market for a company. As the Market GM I had a pretty vague job description but very specific job performance metrics. Essentially I should do what ever I needed to do to create as many happy customers as possible as measured by net income while growing the skills and on the job happiness of our personnel. I answered directly to the owners and although they made suggestions they were extremely open to innovation as long as it drove results.

When I first took the position the urgent nature of sales and training drove my activity and focus but within a year I had put systems in place so that those things were happening automatically and I was beginning to flounder a bit and losing track of the details of the business. My results began to slip and lose their consistency.

I remember clearly the epiphany that there was a specific group of numbers that were indicators of our success and a specific group of activities that drove those things. (I think perhaps having worked in a variety of food service management jobs had shown me that results measured and addressed in real time are immediately and measurably affected) I listed those activities and I listed those numerical indicators and then carefully assigned them values and frequency-

When I was finished I had a “daily goals and activity sheet” that at the top asked me to check a box certifying that I had in fact read our results to date and compared them to our goals. Beneath that I listed those things that any operation has to do to be ready to serve customers- housekeeping, cash, staffing, etc. The next section listed the on-going activities that were required with a clear and bold reminder that customers come first, and if pulled away from your task you were to go back to the top of the page and make sure we were still ready to do business and then return to the task. Whether it was me or one of the staff members they knew that you always went to the top of the sheet and worked down.Next, a section that listed a task for each day or a special task that would help us to accomplish our longer term goals. Finally, at the end of the sheet was a brief check-out section that closed with the requirement that any outstanding issues or things we need to bring to others attention be moved to tomorrows sheet.

Obviously there were systems and processes for the details of the business but this simple clipboard system really helped me (and I hope everyone else) to stay on track with our work and our philosophies.

Acknowledge our business realities, Narrow our focus, Strategize-ritualize, Work the strategy, Evaluate our results, Repeat.

I was with that company 10 years (a very long time for me!) and before I left had been promoted to Director of Operations for the company and was responsible for all aspects of the company other than admin and finance. That simple system served the Market GM’s, the Corporate Sales GM’s, and store managers and it’s simplicity allowed me to do that job easily and well.

This weekend I am completing the plan (again, I know – I am aware that I have done this before but as I am not bound by yesterdays failures I am taking a fresh look to make sure that this time it “takes”)- the goals are now in writing and I am reducing them to steps and narrow goals. By the end of the weekend I will have narrowed the focus for the big picture and each step.

In the past few months I have found myself drifting into a belief that THE UNIVERSE will work it out - I should “let good things happen” - that if I just hold the vision clearly enough then the world will conspire to make them happen. That is a very nice way to believe, hard to count on!

I am ok with the paradoxical belief that I can not change anything outside myself imposed against the belief that if there is going to be any change at all it will have to be effected by me. The universe may make it easier and if God wants to help I am happy to give thanks (I always give thanks for being alive, with the faculties to appreciate the world and the opportunity to both change it and appreciate it).

I think I may have talked about it before but I am firmly of the belief that people are happy when they feel like they are affective and are getting good results. I am capable of getting good results and it is time to do so!

The things that I perceive as my personal, financial, emotional, romantic, and physical problems will be solved when I solve them. Instead of acting the way a person who has those problems acts it is time to act like a person who is very happy with those aspects of their life! I am as happy as I act, I will make as much money and solve my financial problems as fast as I go out and earn that money, I will be emotionally accepting of myself when I accept me, I will find the love I would like to share when I find that woman I would like to share with and do so, and I will be fit and healthy as I eat, sleep, and exercise the way a fit and healthy person does.

So - those are the notes for the afternoon-

Daylight is a wasting boys it's out of the chute!

belief notes

It is an interesting process to try to note "what you believe." At the end I find that I can always think of one more important idea and at least one included that doesn't make sense to me. I think I like the process though-

• People are responsible for their own lives and their own reality. That includes me.
• Our own happiness is the goal.
• Fun is not the same as happiness but it helps!
• God loves us but he is neither our mother nor our servant; he made us in his image as creators and is happy as we learn and grow in our ability to create our own reality.
• The laws of the universe are just that, laws. We may create our own reality but we are still a part of the universe and subject to it’s laws- we will reap what we sow, get what we deserve, see the blessings and fruit of our labors. The laws of the universe are without fail double edged blades- yes, tomorrow is another day and it is up to our choices what that day will be like.
• Life always starts now.
• Love as a verb has much more value than love as a noun. A love that is felt is pleasant but a love that is chosen and committed to and expressed through action has the ability to change both the loved and the lover.
• Everyone has an absolute right to create their own reality and their own value as long as it is not at another’s expense.
• Time can be spent- invest it wisely.
• I am not responsible for anyone else nor is anyone else responsible for me. However, I may choose to be responsible to someone else either deliberately or as a byproduct of my other choices.
• I cannot make anyone do anything- I can only make myself act.
• Money (means to do things), Love (to care about or for), and Time (the opportunity to experience). That balance is the crux of my happiness. To do things that I care about with people I care about (Love), having the means to do those things (Money), and the opportunity (Time) to do more of them. Have the means to spend as much of my life as possible experiencing the people, activities, and things that I care about. I get extra points for growing and overcoming.
• There is nothing immodest in taking pride in the challenges met, successful growth, or the changes I have wrought in myself for the better. It is honest. There is no virtue in being smart, or tall, or pretty, or gifted, or having things. I was born this way and can take no credit and the things that I have only have meaning as they reflect my understanding, growth, beliefs, choices, and actions.
• There is no such thing as true contradiction. If two things stand opposed, only one can be true. Paradox is possible as it means to appear contradictory until a complete understanding is achieved.
• Emotions and passion often overcome reason- and cannot be trusted.
• There is a difference between truth and fact. Truth is harder but usually worth more.
• Think. Reason. Consider. Examine.
• There is no secret to life. It is what it is. It is ours to own and create and to be responsible for. There is no magic bullet, no oracle, no answer outside ourselves. I have to decide for myself what will make me happy and then I have to go do it.

I am revisiting my thoughts on how to get from “where I is to where I is getting to” and “who I is acting like vs. who I is” as it is time to get on down the trail or get off the singing cowboy trail and join the sidekick roundup.

Been doing a bit of reading that has flustered the process somewhat as well- Ratey’s ANSWER - first step is to Acknowledge the issues and that they don’t go away. Then Narrow the focus to one or two items. Then Strategize and ritualize the changes. Then Work and follow the plan. Then Evaluate, and adjust the plan. Finally, Repeat. (Did you hear about the poor programmer who drowned in the shower? He was shampooing his hair and followed the directions: lather, rinse, repeat.) When I read Richo a huge part of his philosophy is acceptance: of who we are, what has happened, and what will happen. He tells us clearly that “shit happens.” Nothing you can do and the sooner you accept that the better! There is an interesting paradox in that I am perfectly willing (and in fact have found it necessary) to accept who I am, where it has lead me, and to understand that there is really nothing that can be done about the forces that brought me here or where I am in life. I am also an absolute believer in the idea that we do not need to accept our direction and in fact may choose to go anywhere we are willing to pay to get to. There is a price to everything- if I want to be successful the price is that I must do what successful people do. If I want to take it easy the price is that I will not get the rewards that successful people get. I is what I is but I ain’t what I is gonna be-

Giddyup!

I had forgotten.

I had forgotten.

I met a woman earlier this week and just for a little while I let love and my imagination take me to another time and place where anything was possible and everything was in front of me and the world lay open and rich with opportunity and there was no task too great-

I had forgotten.

I stopped to visit business friends in an office near mine- a lovely day and I thought I would just pop in and say hi! Fun people there, I bring them business and we have become as close as business associates can- good people.

When I walked in the door there was a strange new face at the entry and I smiled and said hello and introduced myself. She seemed pleasant and a nice addition to a nice office staff. There was a nice warmth in my face as I continued on to the inner office for my meeting.

As my rep and I finished talking briefly about the file she was handling for me we finished and then went on to laugh and talk for a moment- As we laughed, the new woman from the front desk peeked in and asked if I would like something to drink and my tongue stumbled of the words - no, unless perhaps a tequila? We all laughed and then there was an awkward pause.

I stood and stepped into the hall. “I am sorry” I said. “ When we met we introduced ourselves but I forgot your name.”

She took my offered hand in hers and as she shook it she wrapped her other hand around it, smiled up at me, and told me her name. Her eyes were bright and filled with the open accepting sense of all that could be and her smile spread until it held all there is . . .

I had forgotten.

In that brief moment, my world was changed for me. I realized that I knew her and liked her and loved her and accepted everything about her and that feeling of willingness and blind faith shook me and I stepped back a different man.

I had forgotten.

I called her later that day and was thrilled to hear her say that she was so glad I had called. It was awkward and wonderful and full of the unspoken joy of having experienced knowing and feeling so deeply so quickly and with such intensity. She laughed and giggled and I tried not to pay attention to the tragic edge in her voice and we talked.

I had forgotten.

I let myself play and explore that joy all afternoon and evening and into the next morning and it was easily the best evening I have spent in years. Alone with nothing but a dream I remembered what it was like to live. The following morning I talked to her and I knew before I even asked. Wrong time, wrong place, wrong age, look, style, dream, she has someone. She found herself immediately drawn to me but we can’t move this after hours. She was thrilled and scared and more than a little baffled wondering what in the heck was going on with us- who knows and I at least don’t care.

You see, I had forgotten.

I am 52 years old. I have had the great love and the tragic loss and it has been years and tears and pain long dulled to an ache since I last felt that feeling. The loss of that love nearly cost my soul and in the years since I have worked hard to put it aside so that she and I could both go on and live.

I had forgotten.

I had forgotten.

I was talking with my dog over a drink in the backyard sunshine this afternoon. I was trying to explain to her how it was that I could be so happy about wanting and knowing and not having and not knowing and for that matter how it was possible to have strong feelings for someone when you don’t even know them. I had to admit the dog was right; my dog probably did know her as well as I did. I closed my eyes and realized that in answer to the question, her hair was . . . dark. See, I do know. And her eyes? Ummm, bright! Hah! How tall is she? Easy; she is about this tall or maybe this tall- well with in 4 or 5 inches one way or the other! I don’t even really know what she looks like- and don’t really care.

I assume she is pretty- at least pretty enough. She may be stunningly beautiful and her beauty may be in my eye. I know that her bright eyes shine when they looked in mine and they showed a desire to see and do and experience. I know that her hands are strong and warm- and in that moment they touched in a way that spoke of connection and attachment, of sharing and affection, of warmth and strength and kindness.

Here is what I know most of all. It feels good to know that she is in the world. Our sharing will likely never be any deeper than that first touch and glance and it proves to me all that I have believed and dreamed was true about love. I may never experience that feeling again but this I know; if the day comes when I may choose between imagined and remembered love that feels that right or a real life right now love without that feeling I will choose to spend my life alone.

I had forgotten but I will not forget again.

Bella

I have a new roommate and I have mixed feelings about her.

Bella is lovely of course; any female I live with would have to be beautiful and she is. Brown hair with some highlights, long lean lovely legs, and the most gorgeous gold brown eyes. She is a bit underweight but it looks good on her and when she walks she wiggles her skinny little butt in the happiest way. Damn!

When we walked down to the park last night I could see that people were staring at us . . . plain ol' me and beautiful Bella. She is quite a looker!

I think the last man she lived with may have been a bit of an abuser- she flinches when I raise my voice or move too quickly toward her. I am learning to be very gentle so that I don’t frighten her. I am sure she will learn.

I met her through a policeman I know. He had rescued her from a pretty tough situation. He wouldn’t tell me much about it but it was clear that she had seen some bad times. Since he couldn’t take her home with his family he needed someone to take her in and treat her like a lady. He knows that I am single and pretty open minded he thought I might be the perfect man for her.

We get along so well. We play well, she likes my cooking, all the little treats I give her, and even though I am not always sure she understands what I am saying she listens intently and offers nothing but her support and affection. She seems to just adore me!

It does worry me though, how hard a time she has spending time alone. I like our time together, leaning on each other while I read or we watch TV but when I leave her at the house to go to work she cries and moans and becomes frantic with worry that I won’t come back . . . I have reassured her but it doesn’t seem to help. It does seem to help if I just put her in her bed and cover her with a blanket so that she doesn’t see the light . . . she whines a bit but eventually she drifts off to sleep. I wish she could just hang out at the house and enjoy the peace and the solitude without having to be shut away in the dark!

My poor neighbors have been so nice about the situation. The woman next door in my duplex wanted to reassure me that she could tell that Bella has a good heart and is very sweet; she even said that she was ok that Bella cried loudly enough that she could hear her through the common wall a bit. She is just sure that soon Bella will get comfortable living here and learn to trust me and will be just fine. I do hope so. I have already worked out where she can go if she doesn’t learn not to cry and bother the neighbors when I am gone. If we can just work through that issue I am sure we can work it out and have a long and pleasant relationship for both of us.

If it doesn’t work out, I have made some decisions about what I will be looking for next. Rather than trying to save her from an abusive past or helping her to work through her baggage I think the next time I will find a really young one. One without the bad habits- like they always say, "get em young and raise em up the way you want!" In fact, even if it does work out I think I may just go out and find a young one anyway! I have always wanted two at the same time and then when I am gone they can entertain each other! I love to watch a couple of young cuties play together!

I am also thinking that instead of a Pointer I think the next one should be a herder. Maybe next time it will be an Aussie Shepherd or perhaps a Rottweiler pup.

Needs.

An important lesson on needs.

Most aren't.