There are things coming up behind me, nasty things, ugly, dangerous and dark things.
Most of them I have never seen and many I will never see- silent and potentially deadly they live in that space where my eyes can't quite see, my ears can't quite hear. As far back as my memory will take me I remember them and knew that apprehension and that terror of what may be.
Quick, turn and look!
Motion in the shadows, a rustle of their knarled hooved feet scrambling back into the darkness, they are getting closer but not yet here! A constant sense of foreboding.
I am tired. Those monsters are heavy and the burden of their awareness is a weight on my body and my mind and my heart and I am tired of carrying them.
The first time I went through the process with a counselor and uncovered ADD/ADHD (I really do hate that last D) I was off the charts symptomatically- all the symptoms to some extent and most were constant companions. I don't remember ever holding still and the constant motion of multiple thought streams, the music in my mind, and the social affects and were eye opening. The one that grabbed my attention above all else was having the feeling that there is something there behind me just out of sight that I should be vigilant against. I know that feeling and have come to accept that it will never completely disappear. The idea now is to learn to live with it. To learn to use it and to manage it so that it is less a source of fear and more a drive to keep moving, growing, becoming- I love the title of the the book by the Intel CEO a few years ago, "Only the Paranoid Survive". One of the things that has helped is accepting that as I am prone to drop the ball on some of the basic processes of life then one of the dragons may be me and that very tendency may be a wonderful means of protecting myself from myself?
Some of those monsters I know well. Some of them I have likely created to protect myself and as such I know what they look like and what their teeth may feel like- some of them seem to have been born from some dark part of my own lack of confidence and understanding and those sneak and hide and speak in words that I don't understand with promises of calamity yet unimagined.
There are men and women who feel no fear. I am not one of those. I will fight. I am not one who falls trembling and fails to face the monster before me. With trembling hands, and knees knocking I have faced the terror before me and have prevailed. I proudly consider myself a man of courage because I do and will face the difficult, the dangerous, the absolutely terrifying and will do what needs to be done. Courage is not being unafraid; courage is doing those things that scare me. Standing up when every fiber in my being tells me to sit. To walk when my natural inclination is to run. That fear I can beat and look forward to beating it again. True courage is choosing to deliberately act in the right when fear is driving you to react. Not to react but to make a deliberate decision to act.
I have kept working and going when it was clear I could not succeed and found success.
But today, I am tired.
There is a terror that I have yet to beat. The burden of carrying it is so heavy I often want to run and it takes all that I am not to do so. That monster, that dragon, that karmic payback that stealthily moves behind me and getting closer sharpens it's claws and drools in anticipation of a great meal.
The other shoe.
There have been times in my life where I knew that I was winning and that I was stronger than the monster but in a matter of moments the thought would pass and what I feel every day overcomes what I know and the dragon returns. It's still coming. It wants me.
I wonder what that dragon is? Is it Karmic payback for some ungodly sin I have committed? Is it the price to be paid for the gifts that define my life? If those qualities that are me are in fact gifts then the idea of a price becomes irrelevant- there are no strings attached to a gift.
Karmic payback- I can't see how this makes sense at all. Although I have not been exactly sin free in my life I am confident that I have consistently tried to do what I believe is right. I haven't hurt people or lied or cheated or any of the other big sins. In fact, my guilt and my pain has been from not being good enough or strong enough or being able to be consistent in my efforts. My "gifts" are offset with weaknesses that I have yet to overcome and for that I feel pain and frankly, the payback is built into those weaknesses. The only thing that I can think is a true "sin" in my life is my not living up to my potential, to not being good enough. I feel that every moment and it makes no sense. I have yet to meet the person who is able to fully live up to their potential.
I am nearly 52 years old. I can quickly list a few things that I have done, been, accomplished. Wonderful and fun things. If I heard anyone else tell me of those things I would say, wow! That is amazing!
When I remind me of those things my reaction is very different.
When I talk about having moved through the corporate ranks I don't find pride, I find that instead I look and feel that I could have should have done so much more. Never enough- When I look back at the few serious relationships that I have had I somehow find that rather than celebrating the wonderful love we shared I blame me for not having been a better partner for her; more understanding, more the kind of man she needed, or perhaps even feeling that knowing that I am a hard man to be with I should have saved them the pain and not been there in the first place.
I know from history that as I achieve a success in the important areas of my life, there is a time coming soon where I will do or be something that will take that all away.
This I "know".
This I do not like.
This has to change!
It is time to "Know" something else!
I think about the monsters and usually I can rationally come to terms with them, realizing that there is a whole universe of unforeseen potential that I can not control and that it is silly to fear it. It's there for everyone!
I know this is true! But it doesn't feel that way.
What I know rationally is often at opposition with what I feel. When I see that difference I usually have found that what is rational is safer, saner, and easier to deal with than what I feel.
The problem is that word "usually".
I also know from experience that preceding the manifestation of the monster, before the dragon dances on my life I have always missed something: I saw it coming, I had a warning, the small voice spoke and I failed to listen-
Actually what I just said is pretty telling . . . I didn't miss something, I saw it and I chose not to pay attention to it! I Chose! The fact that I ignored that wisdom was clearly a choice~ a wrong choice, but a choice nevertheless!
Damn- that's not a cool thing. I chose to ignore the voice, the knowledge, the warning, my own better judgement.
I can look back and recall when that voice spoke into my ear. I can look back and replay the process by which I chose to rationalize another course of action. Something easier, something more fun, something that felt at that moment safer. Often my wisdom would be telling me that I could do or be better and my choice was to accept "good enough."
I knew better and I chose.
Time to start listening and to choose differently!
I don't believe in contradiction. If two things are contradictory, then at least one of them is wrong. Perhaps they are both wrong?
I find safety in separating feelings from thinking. Feelings hold most of the fear and thinking seems to hold most of the answers. But neither is perfect.
Could it be that successful hunting requires embracing both thinking and feeling simultaneously and finding that third alternative? There are objective facts that are clearly rational in nature. Facts. There are many truths that are very difficult to objectify and therefor seem to clearly fall in the area of feelings and emotions and intuition. Truth.
I have long held that Truth and Fact are not exactly the same.
Seems true enough- the idea of letter of the law vs spirit of the law, loving vs being in love, of being nice vs being good, or selfish vs self centered, of memorizing the answers vs understanding the material, of effort vs results, making love vs having sex, there are a jillion examples of those subtle differences- Truth and Fact are not the same but they share a lot, don't they?
Ok- thinking vs feeling. I tend to use the word Know to mean that something is certain and factual and beyond question. It is interesting to note that a moment ago I used the word to describe Knowing the right course of action or answer in areas where there is clearly no rational way to objectify.
"Are you sure you are in love?" "I Know she is the one"
"Can you do this?" "I know I can"
Take it a bit further and you come across the idea of "Knowing" God, enlightenment, yourself, what is right-
OK- those are not objectify-able but I (and likely many others) use that word as if it was an objective factual statement. And it seems to work.
So- does this mean there the third alternative. Language, ideas, and information that are blendings of Truth and Fact and that can function as either one? If so, is there a reason to try to use them in an understandable way?
If so, it would seem that you almost have to ascribe to this category the attribute of being able to bridge these two categories in a creative way.
That voice, that wisdom, that knowledge may not be objective but if I look back over my life I have known right and chosen wrong and have seen the results enough to be able to say that yes, I knew. When that knowledge comes it is in fact, Knowledge and should be treated as such.
Two lessons here I think:
- Learn to recognize when that voice is speaking as it is speaking. Learn to KNOW.
- When I KNOW, chose to do that which I know I should!
I will get back to the monsters soon~ but first another short side trip-
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People who are born deaf, think differently than people who have learned a spoken language at a young age. Their thought processes follow totally different patterns and processes and although they usually arrive at similar conclusions to hearing people it is interesting that we think totally differently. I am not sure of the relevance but I do find that this as being at least anecdotal evidence that we are who we are at least to a great extent because of the words we use. It would seem to follow (although still only anecdotally) that the words we CHOOSE to use would have a similar affect.
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I think that adds another lesson, number 3. Choose to use the language of that knowledge.
Back to the monsters-
Two things here- one is the idea that something is sneaking up on me. Some of that is probably healthy in that I am vigilant and therefore emotionally able to respond to the unexpected. It is also a reasonable defense against my intrinsic tendency to lose track of life's details. Knowing that I also tend to double check and usually am able to prevent most fallout from that lack of consistent follow through.
The other part of the monsters is that idea that those monsters are pursuing me to take away that which I accomplish. Silly at best and paranoid the rest of the time. It doesn't feel right and it makes no sense. The universe is not conspiring against me personally. The universe seems to work in a pretty predictable way and the only things that are coming to get me are the things that I have created and not taken care of- there is a certain amount of chaos out there for everyone all the time but it is not personal and not directed at me. Those things I set in motion and haven't continued to take care of may be uniquely directed at me but as I have control over those things I expect I can either fix them or take the consequences . . .
One of the things I am working toward is putting in place the systems and habits that kill those dragons- personal life management, financial systems, business systems. Develop the habits, listen to me when I warn myself, find personal or professional help.
There will always be something lurking behind me just out of sight. The goal is to make that creature MY creature, a companion who at my bidding helps me to keep moving, to do that which needs doing. I think that is why he is there!
So, - if I am going to befriend that monster, I think I am going to have to slay his companions. My companion is sentry and guide and a somewhat nervous reminder. The others that are back there have to go! Those that worry about next months rent can be killed by remembering that I have and will earn to support myself. As I kill and bury that one I may heap dirt on his grave by proving it and earning and saving; he only worries so far in front of us and the further out the crisis is the less he speaks to me. Taxes, business, love, social relationships all have their own dragons . . . time to slay them, one at a time!
Let's see - have I learned anything here today? Maybe-
- Learn to recognize Knowing.
- Choose to Act on that Knowledge.
- Choose the language of that Knowledge.
Some other thoughts for another day-
- Words as vehicles to contain change and creation of the future.
- Faith as the mechanism of creation-
- "One thing at a time, only one. Do the thing, and you will have the power.
- If happiness it the goal, what are the true components of happiness-
- If we are all part of the whole big thing, then is there a difference between truly aware self-interest and altruism?
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