I had forgotten.

I had forgotten.

I met a woman earlier this week and just for a little while I let love and my imagination take me to another time and place where anything was possible and everything was in front of me and the world lay open and rich with opportunity and there was no task too great-

I had forgotten.

I stopped to visit business friends in an office near mine- a lovely day and I thought I would just pop in and say hi! Fun people there, I bring them business and we have become as close as business associates can- good people.

When I walked in the door there was a strange new face at the entry and I smiled and said hello and introduced myself. She seemed pleasant and a nice addition to a nice office staff. There was a nice warmth in my face as I continued on to the inner office for my meeting.

As my rep and I finished talking briefly about the file she was handling for me we finished and then went on to laugh and talk for a moment- As we laughed, the new woman from the front desk peeked in and asked if I would like something to drink and my tongue stumbled of the words - no, unless perhaps a tequila? We all laughed and then there was an awkward pause.

I stood and stepped into the hall. “I am sorry” I said. “ When we met we introduced ourselves but I forgot your name.”

She took my offered hand in hers and as she shook it she wrapped her other hand around it, smiled up at me, and told me her name. Her eyes were bright and filled with the open accepting sense of all that could be and her smile spread until it held all there is . . .

I had forgotten.

In that brief moment, my world was changed for me. I realized that I knew her and liked her and loved her and accepted everything about her and that feeling of willingness and blind faith shook me and I stepped back a different man.

I had forgotten.

I called her later that day and was thrilled to hear her say that she was so glad I had called. It was awkward and wonderful and full of the unspoken joy of having experienced knowing and feeling so deeply so quickly and with such intensity. She laughed and giggled and I tried not to pay attention to the tragic edge in her voice and we talked.

I had forgotten.

I let myself play and explore that joy all afternoon and evening and into the next morning and it was easily the best evening I have spent in years. Alone with nothing but a dream I remembered what it was like to live. The following morning I talked to her and I knew before I even asked. Wrong time, wrong place, wrong age, look, style, dream, she has someone. She found herself immediately drawn to me but we can’t move this after hours. She was thrilled and scared and more than a little baffled wondering what in the heck was going on with us- who knows and I at least don’t care.

You see, I had forgotten.

I am 52 years old. I have had the great love and the tragic loss and it has been years and tears and pain long dulled to an ache since I last felt that feeling. The loss of that love nearly cost my soul and in the years since I have worked hard to put it aside so that she and I could both go on and live.

I had forgotten.

I had forgotten.

I was talking with my dog over a drink in the backyard sunshine this afternoon. I was trying to explain to her how it was that I could be so happy about wanting and knowing and not having and not knowing and for that matter how it was possible to have strong feelings for someone when you don’t even know them. I had to admit the dog was right; my dog probably did know her as well as I did. I closed my eyes and realized that in answer to the question, her hair was . . . dark. See, I do know. And her eyes? Ummm, bright! Hah! How tall is she? Easy; she is about this tall or maybe this tall- well with in 4 or 5 inches one way or the other! I don’t even really know what she looks like- and don’t really care.

I assume she is pretty- at least pretty enough. She may be stunningly beautiful and her beauty may be in my eye. I know that her bright eyes shine when they looked in mine and they showed a desire to see and do and experience. I know that her hands are strong and warm- and in that moment they touched in a way that spoke of connection and attachment, of sharing and affection, of warmth and strength and kindness.

Here is what I know most of all. It feels good to know that she is in the world. Our sharing will likely never be any deeper than that first touch and glance and it proves to me all that I have believed and dreamed was true about love. I may never experience that feeling again but this I know; if the day comes when I may choose between imagined and remembered love that feels that right or a real life right now love without that feeling I will choose to spend my life alone.

I had forgotten but I will not forget again.