Plan, Focus, Work, Do it-

I had a pretty yucky week this week- no-ones fault I suppose but certainly no-one other than me will find a good reason to change it. So- here are some thoughts for this Saturday afternoon.

Met a nice woman and although it is unlikely that we will become all that my imagination hoped it was a wonderful painful exciting learning experience. Shook her hand, looked in her eyes, felt the world spin around us as I experienced something I hadn’t in a long long time. Nice. Scary – but I liked the rush!

Realized that I have not been applying the combination of self understanding and self discipline to get from where I am to where I would like to be. Soon. (For what it is worth I am not talking about solving my personal, financial, emotional, romantic, and physical problems- I am simply talking about getting to a place where I have confidence that I am addressing each of them, have a plan in place, and am enjoying success in consistently moving forward. The place is to be successfully on the journey~)

Allowed myself to wallow in fear and self pity and worse yet, I allowed myself to give that fear form by verbalizing my fears-

I look back and wonder what I was expecting- was someone going to offer a solution? Huh? Like what? “Here Mark, have a boatload of money, an infusion of confidence, a bit of extra sweet personality, and shoot fire, let’s top it off by introducing you to the woman of your dreams”

I know better. I knew better then.

More likely I was looking for empathy? Sympathy? Pity? Someone to tell me I am alright even though I have done a whole bunch of stupid things? The magic word that will forgive my poor self control, the damage I have done to my life and the lives of a few others? Having done so did I hope that they would fix things so that I would never do such things again?

Like I said, I know better. I knew better then.

I am taking a Hiatus from my Friday Meetings- I have come to look forward to seeing those people as they are all good people: intelligent, capable, wonderfully complex and hard-working people who (even more than most people) surprise with their depth of experience and their unique perspectives. In other words, I like them! I have not put a lot of energy into connecting with people since I escaped from my relationship and Fridays have been a high point of the week. I actually have fun and will miss them.

On the other hand, it is time for me to spend several solid weeks making careful choices that reflect what I know about myself, what works in terms of getting my personal productivity back to a good place, and most importantly it is time to allow myself to express myself in those unique and wonderful ways that are me. Friday Life Empowerment Group was becoming a place and time I hoped to find the answer, the easy button for my life. Looking for the swami to help me find enlightenment . . .

When the time comes (in a week, a month, many months?) that I step back into the group it will be because I am looking for people with whom to share successes, to fine tune the steps I am taking in improving my manifestation of myself, to offer my support, and to enjoy the camaraderie of fellow pilgrims.

Should anyone from my Friday Group read this, hello! Welcome! I hope I am clearly expressing my respect and affection for you. Y’all are fun and I hope to see you again before too very long~

I have come to firmly believe that I am the only one who can act in my life, and further I have a pretty good idea of what does and does not work in my life. It is now time for me to do what I know is the right thing to do. I have a good handle on what I would like to see happen. If I struggle to prioritize and organize the process of getting it done I may ask (my counselor, my friends, mentors) for ideas but even then I know that I have to be the one who decides what to do and then go and do it. There are endless volumes on helping people blessed/cursed with ADD/ADHD work through this process I have read more than one or two of them- It is time to stop reading them and put them to work.

I just read the book I mentioned earlier “The Disorganized Mind” by Nancy Ratey. It is on the process of “self-coaching” for ADD/ADHD adults. Interesting how familiar the process seemed as I read through it- very similar to the basic process used in work organization in many companies.

Some years ago I was running a market for a company. As the Market GM I had a pretty vague job description but very specific job performance metrics. Essentially I should do what ever I needed to do to create as many happy customers as possible as measured by net income while growing the skills and on the job happiness of our personnel. I answered directly to the owners and although they made suggestions they were extremely open to innovation as long as it drove results.

When I first took the position the urgent nature of sales and training drove my activity and focus but within a year I had put systems in place so that those things were happening automatically and I was beginning to flounder a bit and losing track of the details of the business. My results began to slip and lose their consistency.

I remember clearly the epiphany that there was a specific group of numbers that were indicators of our success and a specific group of activities that drove those things. (I think perhaps having worked in a variety of food service management jobs had shown me that results measured and addressed in real time are immediately and measurably affected) I listed those activities and I listed those numerical indicators and then carefully assigned them values and frequency-

When I was finished I had a “daily goals and activity sheet” that at the top asked me to check a box certifying that I had in fact read our results to date and compared them to our goals. Beneath that I listed those things that any operation has to do to be ready to serve customers- housekeeping, cash, staffing, etc. The next section listed the on-going activities that were required with a clear and bold reminder that customers come first, and if pulled away from your task you were to go back to the top of the page and make sure we were still ready to do business and then return to the task. Whether it was me or one of the staff members they knew that you always went to the top of the sheet and worked down.Next, a section that listed a task for each day or a special task that would help us to accomplish our longer term goals. Finally, at the end of the sheet was a brief check-out section that closed with the requirement that any outstanding issues or things we need to bring to others attention be moved to tomorrows sheet.

Obviously there were systems and processes for the details of the business but this simple clipboard system really helped me (and I hope everyone else) to stay on track with our work and our philosophies.

Acknowledge our business realities, Narrow our focus, Strategize-ritualize, Work the strategy, Evaluate our results, Repeat.

I was with that company 10 years (a very long time for me!) and before I left had been promoted to Director of Operations for the company and was responsible for all aspects of the company other than admin and finance. That simple system served the Market GM’s, the Corporate Sales GM’s, and store managers and it’s simplicity allowed me to do that job easily and well.

This weekend I am completing the plan (again, I know – I am aware that I have done this before but as I am not bound by yesterdays failures I am taking a fresh look to make sure that this time it “takes”)- the goals are now in writing and I am reducing them to steps and narrow goals. By the end of the weekend I will have narrowed the focus for the big picture and each step.

In the past few months I have found myself drifting into a belief that THE UNIVERSE will work it out - I should “let good things happen” - that if I just hold the vision clearly enough then the world will conspire to make them happen. That is a very nice way to believe, hard to count on!

I am ok with the paradoxical belief that I can not change anything outside myself imposed against the belief that if there is going to be any change at all it will have to be effected by me. The universe may make it easier and if God wants to help I am happy to give thanks (I always give thanks for being alive, with the faculties to appreciate the world and the opportunity to both change it and appreciate it).

I think I may have talked about it before but I am firmly of the belief that people are happy when they feel like they are affective and are getting good results. I am capable of getting good results and it is time to do so!

The things that I perceive as my personal, financial, emotional, romantic, and physical problems will be solved when I solve them. Instead of acting the way a person who has those problems acts it is time to act like a person who is very happy with those aspects of their life! I am as happy as I act, I will make as much money and solve my financial problems as fast as I go out and earn that money, I will be emotionally accepting of myself when I accept me, I will find the love I would like to share when I find that woman I would like to share with and do so, and I will be fit and healthy as I eat, sleep, and exercise the way a fit and healthy person does.

So - those are the notes for the afternoon-

Daylight is a wasting boys it's out of the chute!

belief notes

It is an interesting process to try to note "what you believe." At the end I find that I can always think of one more important idea and at least one included that doesn't make sense to me. I think I like the process though-

• People are responsible for their own lives and their own reality. That includes me.
• Our own happiness is the goal.
• Fun is not the same as happiness but it helps!
• God loves us but he is neither our mother nor our servant; he made us in his image as creators and is happy as we learn and grow in our ability to create our own reality.
• The laws of the universe are just that, laws. We may create our own reality but we are still a part of the universe and subject to it’s laws- we will reap what we sow, get what we deserve, see the blessings and fruit of our labors. The laws of the universe are without fail double edged blades- yes, tomorrow is another day and it is up to our choices what that day will be like.
• Life always starts now.
• Love as a verb has much more value than love as a noun. A love that is felt is pleasant but a love that is chosen and committed to and expressed through action has the ability to change both the loved and the lover.
• Everyone has an absolute right to create their own reality and their own value as long as it is not at another’s expense.
• Time can be spent- invest it wisely.
• I am not responsible for anyone else nor is anyone else responsible for me. However, I may choose to be responsible to someone else either deliberately or as a byproduct of my other choices.
• I cannot make anyone do anything- I can only make myself act.
• Money (means to do things), Love (to care about or for), and Time (the opportunity to experience). That balance is the crux of my happiness. To do things that I care about with people I care about (Love), having the means to do those things (Money), and the opportunity (Time) to do more of them. Have the means to spend as much of my life as possible experiencing the people, activities, and things that I care about. I get extra points for growing and overcoming.
• There is nothing immodest in taking pride in the challenges met, successful growth, or the changes I have wrought in myself for the better. It is honest. There is no virtue in being smart, or tall, or pretty, or gifted, or having things. I was born this way and can take no credit and the things that I have only have meaning as they reflect my understanding, growth, beliefs, choices, and actions.
• There is no such thing as true contradiction. If two things stand opposed, only one can be true. Paradox is possible as it means to appear contradictory until a complete understanding is achieved.
• Emotions and passion often overcome reason- and cannot be trusted.
• There is a difference between truth and fact. Truth is harder but usually worth more.
• Think. Reason. Consider. Examine.
• There is no secret to life. It is what it is. It is ours to own and create and to be responsible for. There is no magic bullet, no oracle, no answer outside ourselves. I have to decide for myself what will make me happy and then I have to go do it.

I am revisiting my thoughts on how to get from “where I is to where I is getting to” and “who I is acting like vs. who I is” as it is time to get on down the trail or get off the singing cowboy trail and join the sidekick roundup.

Been doing a bit of reading that has flustered the process somewhat as well- Ratey’s ANSWER - first step is to Acknowledge the issues and that they don’t go away. Then Narrow the focus to one or two items. Then Strategize and ritualize the changes. Then Work and follow the plan. Then Evaluate, and adjust the plan. Finally, Repeat. (Did you hear about the poor programmer who drowned in the shower? He was shampooing his hair and followed the directions: lather, rinse, repeat.) When I read Richo a huge part of his philosophy is acceptance: of who we are, what has happened, and what will happen. He tells us clearly that “shit happens.” Nothing you can do and the sooner you accept that the better! There is an interesting paradox in that I am perfectly willing (and in fact have found it necessary) to accept who I am, where it has lead me, and to understand that there is really nothing that can be done about the forces that brought me here or where I am in life. I am also an absolute believer in the idea that we do not need to accept our direction and in fact may choose to go anywhere we are willing to pay to get to. There is a price to everything- if I want to be successful the price is that I must do what successful people do. If I want to take it easy the price is that I will not get the rewards that successful people get. I is what I is but I ain’t what I is gonna be-

Giddyup!

I had forgotten.

I had forgotten.

I met a woman earlier this week and just for a little while I let love and my imagination take me to another time and place where anything was possible and everything was in front of me and the world lay open and rich with opportunity and there was no task too great-

I had forgotten.

I stopped to visit business friends in an office near mine- a lovely day and I thought I would just pop in and say hi! Fun people there, I bring them business and we have become as close as business associates can- good people.

When I walked in the door there was a strange new face at the entry and I smiled and said hello and introduced myself. She seemed pleasant and a nice addition to a nice office staff. There was a nice warmth in my face as I continued on to the inner office for my meeting.

As my rep and I finished talking briefly about the file she was handling for me we finished and then went on to laugh and talk for a moment- As we laughed, the new woman from the front desk peeked in and asked if I would like something to drink and my tongue stumbled of the words - no, unless perhaps a tequila? We all laughed and then there was an awkward pause.

I stood and stepped into the hall. “I am sorry” I said. “ When we met we introduced ourselves but I forgot your name.”

She took my offered hand in hers and as she shook it she wrapped her other hand around it, smiled up at me, and told me her name. Her eyes were bright and filled with the open accepting sense of all that could be and her smile spread until it held all there is . . .

I had forgotten.

In that brief moment, my world was changed for me. I realized that I knew her and liked her and loved her and accepted everything about her and that feeling of willingness and blind faith shook me and I stepped back a different man.

I had forgotten.

I called her later that day and was thrilled to hear her say that she was so glad I had called. It was awkward and wonderful and full of the unspoken joy of having experienced knowing and feeling so deeply so quickly and with such intensity. She laughed and giggled and I tried not to pay attention to the tragic edge in her voice and we talked.

I had forgotten.

I let myself play and explore that joy all afternoon and evening and into the next morning and it was easily the best evening I have spent in years. Alone with nothing but a dream I remembered what it was like to live. The following morning I talked to her and I knew before I even asked. Wrong time, wrong place, wrong age, look, style, dream, she has someone. She found herself immediately drawn to me but we can’t move this after hours. She was thrilled and scared and more than a little baffled wondering what in the heck was going on with us- who knows and I at least don’t care.

You see, I had forgotten.

I am 52 years old. I have had the great love and the tragic loss and it has been years and tears and pain long dulled to an ache since I last felt that feeling. The loss of that love nearly cost my soul and in the years since I have worked hard to put it aside so that she and I could both go on and live.

I had forgotten.

I had forgotten.

I was talking with my dog over a drink in the backyard sunshine this afternoon. I was trying to explain to her how it was that I could be so happy about wanting and knowing and not having and not knowing and for that matter how it was possible to have strong feelings for someone when you don’t even know them. I had to admit the dog was right; my dog probably did know her as well as I did. I closed my eyes and realized that in answer to the question, her hair was . . . dark. See, I do know. And her eyes? Ummm, bright! Hah! How tall is she? Easy; she is about this tall or maybe this tall- well with in 4 or 5 inches one way or the other! I don’t even really know what she looks like- and don’t really care.

I assume she is pretty- at least pretty enough. She may be stunningly beautiful and her beauty may be in my eye. I know that her bright eyes shine when they looked in mine and they showed a desire to see and do and experience. I know that her hands are strong and warm- and in that moment they touched in a way that spoke of connection and attachment, of sharing and affection, of warmth and strength and kindness.

Here is what I know most of all. It feels good to know that she is in the world. Our sharing will likely never be any deeper than that first touch and glance and it proves to me all that I have believed and dreamed was true about love. I may never experience that feeling again but this I know; if the day comes when I may choose between imagined and remembered love that feels that right or a real life right now love without that feeling I will choose to spend my life alone.

I had forgotten but I will not forget again.