ByGollyBlog

George Thouroughgood and Miley Cyrus

2009-01-12T10:42:00.000-06:00

At an interview a man asked what is on my IPod- I told him I had George Thouroghgood(one burbon, one scotch, one beer), Stevie Ray Vaughn(if the house is a rocken), Asleep at the wheel (bump bounce boogie), and Miley Cyrus (It's all right here) -

He was fine until I got to Miley . . .

How can you not like someone who can sell this song?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b4Lp_TQ-Q8s

Incarnation

2008-09-20T09:47:00.003-05:00

I thought Angie was so cute. First year of high school and she was cute and funny and smart and laughed well and was just too much fun.

I don't really know what she thought of me. I was too tall and too thin and a confused mess of cowboy moved to the city getting high with the freaks and smart enough to hang with the geeky smart kids but out of control enough to be more at home with any and all of the trouble-makers on campus. She and I would talk at school sometimes and occasionally after school I would walk to her house and we would listen to music and take ourselves and life way too seriously until finally one or the other of us would finally say something to remind us that life is just funny. She had to know I was smitten and I always knew she wasn't but we were friends.

Over the months and years our friendship softened and we talked less and less.

We still saw each periodically. At school, at the park or out shopping, we would bump into each other and say hello and as is often the case those moments awakened a bittersweet melancholy. Angie was always Angie- to me she never seemed to change. She was always cute and funny and socially graceful. At 14 she had a spunky personality that by 20 had matured into a sparkly bright and engaging personality. The woman she grew into fulfilled all the promise of the girl she was.

After we went off to college years went by and I didn't see Angie. I wondered how she was and where she was but I didn't follow up.

A friend of mine was attending graduate school at the University and between classes he was sitting on the lawn and began talking to a cute young woman there. They talked and laughed and she had a wonderful sparkly and engaging personality. He admits that he was smitten and he knew that she was not. Over the semester the met regularly and became friends and as friends sometimes do they began to explore who they may know in common and realized they both knew me- yeah!

"How is Mark?" she asked- and then . . . "and what is his current incarnation?"

A service brat becomes a beach kid in Florida became a cowboy in New Mexico became a trouble making long haired freaky kid musician became a Jesus Freak became a fitness fellow became a series of yuppie fellows a husband a father a divorced single dad an executive a business owner a realtor a single man who is full circle flat broke living alone in a city with no friends or family with a dog and a question:

"How is Mark?"

" . . . and what is his current incarnation?"

I think I like it.

2008-09-18T09:18:00.011-05:00

A few months ago Bella moved in with me. As she is young and athletic I have started making a point of getting out with her every day so that she can get some exercise. Since I was going to be out for her anyway I decided to make sure it was productive for me as well. So-

Every day (or at least 6 of 7) we get out and spend at least an hour walking, jogging, running.

Some observations:

First- I was in truly horrible shape when we started this. Sad!
A couple months into this I am in much better shape- still a long way to go but it is nice to be able to tell that I am getting more fit. Yeah!
I tend to be a goal driven, plan oriented person AND being goal driven and plan oriented is not supportive of fully experiencing the fullness of time.
An hour spent outside, moving, and unavailable to the phone and the internet has a huge impact on my day. I had not realized that for several decades I have NEVER been out of touch and other than sleeping time have been constantly aware of those things.

_____________________________________________________

At the beginning of our walk Bella wants to pull on the leash and is clearly impatient that I don't go faster- if I pull her up short she will walk by my side without pulling but as soon as she senses enough slack in the leash she moves ahead to the end. She has learned that she can walk well out in front as long as the leash isn't taught- there should be just a bit of bounce. When she gets anxious and pulls all I have to do is speak her name and she will slow just long enough to regain the slack . . . occasionally she will look back at me and I am sure she is disapproving of my slow pace at the beginning.

She has learned which shorts and shoes I wear to take her out and if I am wearing them and pick up my MP3 player she knows and dashes to the door and sits . . . wiggling and squealing with excitement.

When we first started I laid out a route that was four miles out the door and back. Down the hill, around the block, past the nice homes that back up to the lake, up to Hurst Creek Rd., down to the main entrance to the City Park, down the drive and parking lot, then both the upper and lower trails along the lake, and back to the house. Simple! So off we went . . .

I checked the time as I left the house and off we went, Bella tugging on the leash and with out of shape me sweating and panting along behind her. 8am on a Thursday. Five after 8 as we reached the bottom of the first hill and passed the mailboxes I reached in my pocket for my cell phone I had deliberately left at home. I can't check email. No-one can call me. I won't even know . . . a few minutes later we came abreast the park - a quarter mile short of the entrance I had planned on and routed us to and remembered the short cut! I can leave the road right here, cut through a couple hundred yards of good trail, and save over a half mile! Then I realized that if I cut across on the lakeside trail I could save another half mile! Wow! Those two smart shortcuts would save me over a mile and as slowly as I was currently walking that would get me home 20 minutes early and . . . .

This has been a hard lesson to learn but I am making progress . .

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Yesterday, we were walking on another trail where we go quite a bit. We are both in a bit better shape now and just as importantly I am learning to enjoy the passing of time and observing the world I am passing through. From our place it is just about 1/2 mile to the trailhead where it crosses the creek near the house- from there are several miles of carefully groomed wide trails with only modest inclines going in several directions. Along those trails there are other more interesting trails that head up the sides of the canyon on each side of the creek- narrow, often steep, with rocks and roots and slippery parts that take you into areas far less traveled. We have covered all those trails in the park and have started exploring. The animal trails, the creekbeds, the little meadows and draws are wonderful.

I still struggle sometimes with the need to "get done and get on to what is next" but I am doing better. For the first weeks I often found myself headed home earlier than I had anticipated- either because I was getting faster (finally) or because I had taken a shortcut. I am finally reaching a point where new trails are simply new and are not shortcuts - lately it is becoming important to remind myself to head back and "do what must be done" rather than having to force myself to continue moving and experiencing the world.

It has always been a conundrum that I find my self drawn, almost to the point of being driven, to work at things I don't enjoy doing and to face problems that I don't enjoy solving, talking to people I don't enjoy talking to. There are things I enjoy- things I love- things that I look forward to- BUT that is not the places I find myself going- what's up with that?

Why do I find it easier to think about work, to worry about money, to dwell on financial and professional obligations, to focus on business goals than it is to think about the things I love, to make sure I am finding time and energy to enjoy my life, to dwell on growing in the areas I enjoy developing, and to wrap my mind and heart around enjoying my life?

I think that I will consider that question in those next few hours I spend in the woods with Bella.

Back to our walk~ As we trotted up the trail yesterday we saw several deer through the trees and Bella tugged at the leash and pointed out a faint trail that headed over the edge of the trail and down toward the creekbed at the bottom of the canyon. I had hooked Bella's leash to the end of a longer line that I tie around my waist as a belt and the end of it adds another 8 or 9 feet to the leash- it is much easier for us to not trip each other with 15 or 18 feet of leash between us. We headed off the groomed trail and over the edge and headed down the deer trail. Bella is patient with me as I can't move as quickly as she can but once we are well off the main trail I released her and let her run.

At the bottom of the draw is the creekbed- it's late summer so there's not lot of water and it only flows off and on but there are great pools; full of small fish and turtles and surrounded by tall reeds. We are very close to town- I know there are homes within a 1/4 mile or so but down here there is no evidence; the only sounds are Bella's splashing in the water, the sound of our feet across the earth, and the rustle of leaves in the breeze. Bella stays close- she has a great nose and will move downwind well out of sight but upwind she makes sure she can see or hear me. She will come if I call but I don't; she runs with her nose the ground and although she is nearly silent when you look at her you can almost see her laughing with joy as she just enjoys being. Stopping she will look across at me, through the grass and it almost feels as it she is asking me "do you see it? do you smell it? are you experiencing it? are you as happy as I am right here and right now?"

It's probably not more than a half mile up the draw to the cove where the lake is fed by this creek and we work our way up to the wide meadow that marks the place where the creek spills into Hurst Cove and fills the lake. Late summer the lake is pretty low and grass covers several acres with stands of reeds dotting the areas where small pools hold water. Bella runs and I walk and we splash and laugh and let the sun speak it's warmth to our skin.

We headed back after a bit- We climbed out of the draw, found the trail, and headed home. Bella walks near me on the trail until we get closer in and I put her back on the leash. She stays close and contentendly rubs against my leg as we make our way back up the trail, across the creek, out onto the street, up the hill and home.

I don't know how long we wandered there but I do know that only rarely have I managed to forget what comes next.

I think I like it.

Tit's up . . .

2008-09-18T09:18:00.004-05:00

Months have passed; things have changed, things are still the same . . .

________________________________________________

Tit's up . . . DOA . . . the fat lady has sung . . . .

For nearly a year I have been working with the idea in my head that I can, and perhaps more importantly should, sell my way out of my current financial situation, pay off all my creditors, and having done so I could, and probably would, be proud of having done "the right thing."

Ain't going to happen.

As of this month I have accepted that it is not just a possibility but a fact that I have failed financially. My creditors will not be paid, my obligations will not be met, my good word was not so good.

Wow- I would love to wake up and realize this is a dream but . . . it's not. I am thoroughly bruised from pinching myself but I am as awake as I am going to be.

I have failed to live up to my word - I have proven myself not to be a person with the level of integrity I have always believed.

And the sun still came up today.

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Interesting that the entire US economy has gone into a tail spin when I missed payments this month. Investment bankers are failing, AIG has been taken over by the feds, Freddie and Fannie had to be bailed out by the government . . .

I never realized how important I was to the economy.

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When I was in my last year of high school(my junior year but that is another story) I became a Christian. Since that time I have moved my beliefs so that I don't probably meet the strict definition of a Christian but there are several ideas that I consider truly wonderful "take-aways." As I try to put a life together "from where I am with what I have" it seems helpful to grab anything that helps- later I may add others but right now - what can I use from my Christian faith?

forgiveness- Yeah! I made a mistake, (or a bunch of them in this case), but I am forgiven. There are consequences that must be paid, but my errors don't make me evil.
repentance- Hey- this is important. Repentance must mean to stop, to change directions, learn the lessons, and to choose differently. I think in order to be forgiven I must stop, change directions, and BE different in the future.
rebirth- "you must be born again." It seems to me that being re-born requires that divine intervention that makes it possible for you to be a new person- with that divine rebirth I am empowered to respond and behave differently. Having been given the gift of that new self I have an obligation to choose to use that gift to choose those responses and actions that reflect who I will be, the new me, rather than those that reflect who I have been.
being loved- I have never completely understood the concept of absolute divine love but I do believe that each of us are specifically and personally loved by God (the universe, the divine, the force, the Tao, the goddess, whatever/however we choose to define the unknowable eternal creator) If we are loved that way then we are deserving all the good that is!
Easter- whether you take the story as being historically factual or not, the retelling of the tale has become a wonderful mythical analogy for that whole process of accepting my sins (flaws, errors, mistakes, actions, lack of actions, bad choices, etc), allowing them to kill the me that was responsible for them, and having died to them, rise up as a new person who is alive to all the wonderful possibilities of the endless limitless future.
Christmas- regardless of the history or the mythology, I just love the holiday. Nothing to do with my situation, I just love the warmth, the awareness of love and support and giving and family and friends and the needy and . . . Happy Christmas!
Faith- "the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen" Substance. Hope. Evidence.

The point of all that is that through all this mess I depend on my faith to remind me that I must accept the "death" I am experiencing to the life that I thought I was living; the forgiveness for the mistakes made; and then to display my repentance by choosing to live-choose-act differently; and then having been born into a new life I should demonstrate moment by moment that I am that new person. I love, I am loved, and will celebrate both the loving and the being loved.

I am also looking forward to Christmas!

Plan, Focus, Work, Do it-

2008-06-14T16:47:00.003-05:00

I had a pretty yucky week this week- no-ones fault I suppose but certainly no-one other than me will find a good reason to change it. So- here are some thoughts for this Saturday afternoon.

Met a nice woman and although it is unlikely that we will become all that my imagination hoped it was a wonderful painful exciting learning experience. Shook her hand, looked in her eyes, felt the world spin around us as I experienced something I hadn’t in a long long time. Nice. Scary – but I liked the rush!

Realized that I have not been applying the combination of self understanding and self discipline to get from where I am to where I would like to be. Soon. (For what it is worth I am not talking about solving my personal, financial, emotional, romantic, and physical problems- I am simply talking about getting to a place where I have confidence that I am addressing each of them, have a plan in place, and am enjoying success in consistently moving forward. The place is to be successfully on the journey~)

Allowed myself to wallow in fear and self pity and worse yet, I allowed myself to give that fear form by verbalizing my fears-

I look back and wonder what I was expecting- was someone going to offer a solution? Huh? Like what? “Here Mark, have a boatload of money, an infusion of confidence, a bit of extra sweet personality, and shoot fire, let’s top it off by introducing you to the woman of your dreams”

I know better. I knew better then.

More likely I was looking for empathy? Sympathy? Pity? Someone to tell me I am alright even though I have done a whole bunch of stupid things? The magic word that will forgive my poor self control, the damage I have done to my life and the lives of a few others? Having done so did I hope that they would fix things so that I would never do such things again?

Like I said, I know better. I knew better then.

I am taking a Hiatus from my Friday Meetings- I have come to look forward to seeing those people as they are all good people: intelligent, capable, wonderfully complex and hard-working people who (even more than most people) surprise with their depth of experience and their unique perspectives. In other words, I like them! I have not put a lot of energy into connecting with people since I escaped from my relationship and Fridays have been a high point of the week. I actually have fun and will miss them.

On the other hand, it is time for me to spend several solid weeks making careful choices that reflect what I know about myself, what works in terms of getting my personal productivity back to a good place, and most importantly it is time to allow myself to express myself in those unique and wonderful ways that are me. Friday Life Empowerment Group was becoming a place and time I hoped to find the answer, the easy button for my life. Looking for the swami to help me find enlightenment . . .

When the time comes (in a week, a month, many months?) that I step back into the group it will be because I am looking for people with whom to share successes, to fine tune the steps I am taking in improving my manifestation of myself, to offer my support, and to enjoy the camaraderie of fellow pilgrims.

Should anyone from my Friday Group read this, hello! Welcome! I hope I am clearly expressing my respect and affection for you. Y’all are fun and I hope to see you again before too very long~

I have come to firmly believe that I am the only one who can act in my life, and further I have a pretty good idea of what does and does not work in my life. It is now time for me to do what I know is the right thing to do. I have a good handle on what I would like to see happen. If I struggle to prioritize and organize the process of getting it done I may ask (my counselor, my friends, mentors) for ideas but even then I know that I have to be the one who decides what to do and then go and do it. There are endless volumes on helping people blessed/cursed with ADD/ADHD work through this process I have read more than one or two of them- It is time to stop reading them and put them to work.

I just read the book I mentioned earlier “The Disorganized Mind” by Nancy Ratey. It is on the process of “self-coaching” for ADD/ADHD adults. Interesting how familiar the process seemed as I read through it- very similar to the basic process used in work organization in many companies.

Some years ago I was running a market for a company. As the Market GM I had a pretty vague job description but very specific job performance metrics. Essentially I should do what ever I needed to do to create as many happy customers as possible as measured by net income while growing the skills and on the job happiness of our personnel. I answered directly to the owners and although they made suggestions they were extremely open to innovation as long as it drove results.

When I first took the position the urgent nature of sales and training drove my activity and focus but within a year I had put systems in place so that those things were happening automatically and I was beginning to flounder a bit and losing track of the details of the business. My results began to slip and lose their consistency.

I remember clearly the epiphany that there was a specific group of numbers that were indicators of our success and a specific group of activities that drove those things. (I think perhaps having worked in a variety of food service management jobs had shown me that results measured and addressed in real time are immediately and measurably affected) I listed those activities and I listed those numerical indicators and then carefully assigned them values and frequency-

When I was finished I had a “daily goals and activity sheet” that at the top asked me to check a box certifying that I had in fact read our results to date and compared them to our goals. Beneath that I listed those things that any operation has to do to be ready to serve customers- housekeeping, cash, staffing, etc. The next section listed the on-going activities that were required with a clear and bold reminder that customers come first, and if pulled away from your task you were to go back to the top of the page and make sure we were still ready to do business and then return to the task. Whether it was me or one of the staff members they knew that you always went to the top of the sheet and worked down.Next, a section that listed a task for each day or a special task that would help us to accomplish our longer term goals. Finally, at the end of the sheet was a brief check-out section that closed with the requirement that any outstanding issues or things we need to bring to others attention be moved to tomorrows sheet.

Obviously there were systems and processes for the details of the business but this simple clipboard system really helped me (and I hope everyone else) to stay on track with our work and our philosophies.

Acknowledge our business realities, Narrow our focus, Strategize-ritualize, Work the strategy, Evaluate our results, Repeat.

I was with that company 10 years (a very long time for me!) and before I left had been promoted to Director of Operations for the company and was responsible for all aspects of the company other than admin and finance. That simple system served the Market GM’s, the Corporate Sales GM’s, and store managers and it’s simplicity allowed me to do that job easily and well.

This weekend I am completing the plan (again, I know – I am aware that I have done this before but as I am not bound by yesterdays failures I am taking a fresh look to make sure that this time it “takes”)- the goals are now in writing and I am reducing them to steps and narrow goals. By the end of the weekend I will have narrowed the focus for the big picture and each step.

In the past few months I have found myself drifting into a belief that THE UNIVERSE will work it out - I should “let good things happen” - that if I just hold the vision clearly enough then the world will conspire to make them happen. That is a very nice way to believe, hard to count on!

I am ok with the paradoxical belief that I can not change anything outside myself imposed against the belief that if there is going to be any change at all it will have to be effected by me. The universe may make it easier and if God wants to help I am happy to give thanks (I always give thanks for being alive, with the faculties to appreciate the world and the opportunity to both change it and appreciate it).

I think I may have talked about it before but I am firmly of the belief that people are happy when they feel like they are affective and are getting good results. I am capable of getting good results and it is time to do so!

The things that I perceive as my personal, financial, emotional, romantic, and physical problems will be solved when I solve them. Instead of acting the way a person who has those problems acts it is time to act like a person who is very happy with those aspects of their life! I am as happy as I act, I will make as much money and solve my financial problems as fast as I go out and earn that money, I will be emotionally accepting of myself when I accept me, I will find the love I would like to share when I find that woman I would like to share with and do so, and I will be fit and healthy as I eat, sleep, and exercise the way a fit and healthy person does.

So - those are the notes for the afternoon-

Daylight is a wasting boys it's out of the chute!

belief notes

2008-06-07T00:15:00.002-05:00

It is an interesting process to try to note "what you believe." At the end I find that I can always think of one more important idea and at least one included that doesn't make sense to me. I think I like the process though-

People are responsible for their own lives and their own reality. That includes me.
Our own happiness is the goal.
Fun is not the same as happiness but it helps!
God loves us but he is neither our mother nor our servant; he made us in his image as creators and is happy as we learn and grow in our ability to create our own reality.
The laws of the universe are just that, laws. We may create our own reality but we are still a part of the universe and subject to it’s laws- we will reap what we sow, get what we deserve, see the blessings and fruit of our labors. The laws of the universe are without fail double edged blades- yes, tomorrow is another day and it is up to our choices what that day will be like.
Life always starts now.
Love as a verb has much more value than love as a noun. A love that is felt is pleasant but a love that is chosen and committed to and expressed through action has the ability to change both the loved and the lover.
Everyone has an absolute right to create their own reality and their own value as long as it is not at another’s expense.
Time can be spent- invest it wisely.
I am not responsible for anyone else nor is anyone else responsible for me. However, I may choose to be responsible to someone else either deliberately or as a byproduct of my other choices.
I cannot make anyone do anything- I can only make myself act.
Money (means to do things), Love (to care about or for), and Time (the opportunity to experience). That balance is the crux of my happiness. To do things that I care about with people I care about (Love), having the means to do those things (Money), and the opportunity (Time) to do more of them. Have the means to spend as much of my life as possible experiencing the people, activities, and things that I care about. I get extra points for growing and overcoming.
There is nothing immodest in taking pride in the challenges met, successful growth, or the changes I have wrought in myself for the better. It is honest. There is no virtue in being smart, or tall, or pretty, or gifted, or having things. I was born this way and can take no credit and the things that I have only have meaning as they reflect my understanding, growth, beliefs, choices, and actions.
There is no such thing as true contradiction. If two things stand opposed, only one can be true. Paradox is possible as it means to appear contradictory until a complete understanding is achieved.
Emotions and passion often overcome reason- and cannot be trusted.
There is a difference between truth and fact. Truth is harder but usually worth more.
Think. Reason. Consider. Examine.
There is no secret to life. It is what it is. It is ours to own and create and to be responsible for. There is no magic bullet, no oracle, no answer outside ourselves. I have to decide for myself what will make me happy and then I have to go do it.

2008-06-07T00:03:00.001-05:00

I am revisiting my thoughts on how to get from “where I is to where I is getting to” and “who I is acting like vs. who I is” as it is time to get on down the trail or get off the singing cowboy trail and join the sidekick roundup.

Been doing a bit of reading that has flustered the process somewhat as well- Ratey’s ANSWER - first step is to Acknowledge the issues and that they don’t go away. Then Narrow the focus to one or two items. Then Strategize and ritualize the changes. Then Work and follow the plan. Then Evaluate, and adjust the plan. Finally, Repeat. (Did you hear about the poor programmer who drowned in the shower? He was shampooing his hair and followed the directions: lather, rinse, repeat.) When I read Richo a huge part of his philosophy is acceptance: of who we are, what has happened, and what will happen. He tells us clearly that “shit happens.” Nothing you can do and the sooner you accept that the better! There is an interesting paradox in that I am perfectly willing (and in fact have found it necessary) to accept who I am, where it has lead me, and to understand that there is really nothing that can be done about the forces that brought me here or where I am in life. I am also an absolute believer in the idea that we do not need to accept our direction and in fact may choose to go anywhere we are willing to pay to get to. There is a price to everything- if I want to be successful the price is that I must do what successful people do. If I want to take it easy the price is that I will not get the rewards that successful people get. I is what I is but I ain’t what I is gonna be-

Giddyup!

I had forgotten.

2008-06-06T23:42:00.005-05:00

I had forgotten.

I met a woman earlier this week and just for a little while I let love and my imagination take me to another time and place where anything was possible and everything was in front of me and the world lay open and rich with opportunity and there was no task too great-

I had forgotten.

I stopped to visit business friends in an office near mine- a lovely day and I thought I would just pop in and say hi! Fun people there, I bring them business and we have become as close as business associates can- good people.

When I walked in the door there was a strange new face at the entry and I smiled and said hello and introduced myself. She seemed pleasant and a nice addition to a nice office staff. There was a nice warmth in my face as I continued on to the inner office for my meeting.

As my rep and I finished talking briefly about the file she was handling for me we finished and then went on to laugh and talk for a moment- As we laughed, the new woman from the front desk peeked in and asked if I would like something to drink and my tongue stumbled of the words - no, unless perhaps a tequila? We all laughed and then there was an awkward pause.

I stood and stepped into the hall. “I am sorry” I said. “ When we met we introduced ourselves but I forgot your name.”

She took my offered hand in hers and as she shook it she wrapped her other hand around it, smiled up at me, and told me her name. Her eyes were bright and filled with the open accepting sense of all that could be and her smile spread until it held all there is . . .

I had forgotten.

In that brief moment, my world was changed for me. I realized that I knew her and liked her and loved her and accepted everything about her and that feeling of willingness and blind faith shook me and I stepped back a different man.

I had forgotten.

I called her later that day and was thrilled to hear her say that she was so glad I had called. It was awkward and wonderful and full of the unspoken joy of having experienced knowing and feeling so deeply so quickly and with such intensity. She laughed and giggled and I tried not to pay attention to the tragic edge in her voice and we talked.

I had forgotten.

I let myself play and explore that joy all afternoon and evening and into the next morning and it was easily the best evening I have spent in years. Alone with nothing but a dream I remembered what it was like to live. The following morning I talked to her and I knew before I even asked. Wrong time, wrong place, wrong age, look, style, dream, she has someone. She found herself immediately drawn to me but we can’t move this after hours. She was thrilled and scared and more than a little baffled wondering what in the heck was going on with us- who knows and I at least don’t care.

You see, I had forgotten.

I am 52 years old. I have had the great love and the tragic loss and it has been years and tears and pain long dulled to an ache since I last felt that feeling. The loss of that love nearly cost my soul and in the years since I have worked hard to put it aside so that she and I could both go on and live.

I had forgotten.

I had forgotten.

I was talking with my dog over a drink in the backyard sunshine this afternoon. I was trying to explain to her how it was that I could be so happy about wanting and knowing and not having and not knowing and for that matter how it was possible to have strong feelings for someone when you don’t even know them. I had to admit the dog was right; my dog probably did know her as well as I did. I closed my eyes and realized that in answer to the question, her hair was . . . dark. See, I do know. And her eyes? Ummm, bright! Hah! How tall is she? Easy; she is about this tall or maybe this tall- well with in 4 or 5 inches one way or the other! I don’t even really know what she looks like- and don’t really care.

I assume she is pretty- at least pretty enough. She may be stunningly beautiful and her beauty may be in my eye. I know that her bright eyes shine when they looked in mine and they showed a desire to see and do and experience. I know that her hands are strong and warm- and in that moment they touched in a way that spoke of connection and attachment, of sharing and affection, of warmth and strength and kindness.

Here is what I know most of all. It feels good to know that she is in the world. Our sharing will likely never be any deeper than that first touch and glance and it proves to me all that I have believed and dreamed was true about love. I may never experience that feeling again but this I know; if the day comes when I may choose between imagined and remembered love that feels that right or a real life right now love without that feeling I will choose to spend my life alone.

I had forgotten but I will not forget again.

Bella

2008-03-10T20:40:00.003-05:00

I have a new roommate and I have mixed feelings about her.

Bella is lovely of course; any female I live with would have to be beautiful and she is. Brown hair with some highlights, long lean lovely legs, and the most gorgeous gold brown eyes. She is a bit underweight but it looks good on her and when she walks she wiggles her skinny little butt in the happiest way. Damn!

When we walked down to the park last night I could see that people were staring at us . . . plain ol' me and beautiful Bella. She is quite a looker!

I think the last man she lived with may have been a bit of an abuser- she flinches when I raise my voice or move too quickly toward her. I am learning to be very gentle so that I don’t frighten her. I am sure she will learn.

I met her through a policeman I know. He had rescued her from a pretty tough situation. He wouldn’t tell me much about it but it was clear that she had seen some bad times. Since he couldn’t take her home with his family he needed someone to take her in and treat her like a lady. He knows that I am single and pretty open minded he thought I might be the perfect man for her.

We get along so well. We play well, she likes my cooking, all the little treats I give her, and even though I am not always sure she understands what I am saying she listens intently and offers nothing but her support and affection. She seems to just adore me!

It does worry me though, how hard a time she has spending time alone. I like our time together, leaning on each other while I read or we watch TV but when I leave her at the house to go to work she cries and moans and becomes frantic with worry that I won’t come back . . . I have reassured her but it doesn’t seem to help. It does seem to help if I just put her in her bed and cover her with a blanket so that she doesn’t see the light . . . she whines a bit but eventually she drifts off to sleep. I wish she could just hang out at the house and enjoy the peace and the solitude without having to be shut away in the dark!

My poor neighbors have been so nice about the situation. The woman next door in my duplex wanted to reassure me that she could tell that Bella has a good heart and is very sweet; she even said that she was ok that Bella cried loudly enough that she could hear her through the common wall a bit. She is just sure that soon Bella will get comfortable living here and learn to trust me and will be just fine. I do hope so. I have already worked out where she can go if she doesn’t learn not to cry and bother the neighbors when I am gone. If we can just work through that issue I am sure we can work it out and have a long and pleasant relationship for both of us.

If it doesn’t work out, I have made some decisions about what I will be looking for next. Rather than trying to save her from an abusive past or helping her to work through her baggage I think the next time I will find a really young one. One without the bad habits- like they always say, "get em young and raise em up the way you want!" In fact, even if it does work out I think I may just go out and find a young one anyway! I have always wanted two at the same time and then when I am gone they can entertain each other! I love to watch a couple of young cuties play together!

I am also thinking that instead of a Pointer I think the next one should be a herder. Maybe next time it will be an Aussie Shepherd or perhaps a Rottweiler pup.

Needs.

2008-03-08T22:00:00.001-06:00

An important lesson on needs.

Most aren't.

Right Now

2008-03-07T15:20:00.003-06:00

I was in a hurry after all, it could have happened to anyone!

Driving home, busy afternoon, lots going on!

As I drive up to the house I end my cell phone call and jump out of the car and head into the home office and get to work. Letters to write, calls to make!

Hours go by and I pull on jeans to go meet a friend for a drink at a nearby tavern. Grab up my cell phone and can't find my keys . . . no problem, I probably just dropped them under the front seat like I often do.

As I walk around the front of the house the car is gone! Oh no!

Then I hear it running . . . and as I come around the corner, there it is! I did leave the keys in the car. In the ignition. With it running. With it in gear.

The car had gently pulled up the hill and stopped when it came to rest against the garage door.

Dang. I did it again.

Some years ago my wife was trying to explain why I drove her crazy and one of the examples I remember finding confusing was the fact that I didn't do things in order and worse yet, was often thinking of where I was going rather than of where I was. Her example was the way I got out of the car. There is a right way to do it? She explained that yes, you should park the car where you want it, put it in park, turn off the car, turn off the lights, take out the keys, pick up your "stuff", get out of the car, lock it, and walk away. Makes sense to me! I thought that was what I did!

Since then I have noticed how I got out of the car. I pull up to the parking place and once it is clear that I am going to make it I go ahead and get ready to go inside. First, I try to remember what I am going to do in there, then I open the car door, then so I won't forget- I lock it, hopefully sometime about then I remember to put the car in park and turn it off, I then try to pick up all my "stuff" and any other stuff that may be laying around. I then get out of the car and notice that I left the lights on. I then unlock the car and turn off the lights and then re-lock the car only to realize that when I leaned in to turn off the lights I set stuff down on the seat. That's ok though because I need to open the door to take the GPS off the dash anyway . . .

The problem is remembering to live in the now. Right now I am parking the car but that is so damned dull that my mind wanders and on top of that I am sure that I am capable of doing it so it isn't very interesting to do again so I don't and therefore I don't do it at all or at least not all of it.

Life is lived in the now.

That is so very hard. Thinking of this task and only this task and working through the steps and not skipping ahead and remembering to appreciate where I am instead of anticipating where I will be.

What am I doing right now? Who am I right now?

Right now.

Maslow is right-

2008-03-07T12:05:00.004-06:00

Friday Mornings I meet with a group of men and we gather to work together on how we handle life challenges. There is a fair amount of commonality amongst the group in many respects. This is a bright, capable, and accomplished group of men. I enjoy their company and look forward to seeing them each week.

Today I realized something. Today I don't belong here in this group. I am bright, capable, and accomplished enough that I can contribute and I learn every time we meet. I am sure that I look the part just fine. Particularly in the areas of my life open to others I function at a very high level and so look and act the part. I am good at what I do and am respected by my peers. I communicate fairly well and my ability to understand people and situations is very good. Again, I look and publicly act right! The lack of belonging has to do with another issue- this group of men is also successful. That is, they function at a pretty high level; emotionally, financially, inter personally, and spiritually they are on paths that can be defined and along which they can measure their success.

I realize that this group is almost like a finishing school of sorts. We gather to learn how to better use our talents and gifts to get us where we are going. Yeah!

Right there is the word that makes me realize that today I am in the wrong place. The word better.

Today has been a hard day for me. I am feeling demons that I have not felt in some time. Not a fun place but perhaps the right place for today.

Right now today I am realizing that , as I have not mastered the basic skills of living it makes no sense to pursue growth in the "higher levels" of myself. I have enough to eat and drink, a place to sleep, I am able to keep warm and dry, I have clothes, and although some of them are being ignored, my basic physical functions seem to work. Today at least. On the other hand, I have no idea where, how, or even if I will be able to have those things in the future. I know that it is likely that I will have most or all those needs met but it is extremely unclear how or when. This is not a safe place. The extent of my friend and family relationships that mean anything (particularly to them) is my daughter whom I love dearly. I am fortunate that she sees in me the man who has been there for her all her life and stood with her and for her. She is remarkably willing to ignore the fact that the same father is not currently able to be there for her in a meaningful manner. The few other friends that I have are far away and although we may care deeply for one another, distance and resources prevent me from being all to them that I could be.

So what does that mean? Simple. For me to spend time and energy trying to become fulfilled or trying to improve my self-image, or focusing on those things in which I take pride is at best a waste of time and at worst is hastening the loss of those few things I have in life. My focus should be on a very short list of activities:

secure food and water and shelter- in other words, make money.
Organize my life such that I can reasonably expect things to continue
when I have met those first tier personal needs, be of support and help to my daughter.
be a better friend.
then and only then is it responsible to look inward and seek personal fulfillment.

There isn't anything there about being happy- perhaps in that last one, where having met my basic obligations to myself and others there is room to seek happiness but certainly not before. At this point the most important thing I can do is stay alive and keep functioning. Show up and fight the fight. Having survived the fight, it will be time to look outside myself and finally perhaps to look back inside.

I had set some goals at the beginning of the year and formalized them at the beginning of Feb with the men I meet with. Ambitious goals. Goals to get me down the road to where I want to be on. Yeah!

Again, there lies the problem. I am not even on that road today.

I had set a financial goal of grossing $500K in 2008. Eliminating my debt. Learning to hold the correct picture of money in my mind and heart. Doable? You bet! But right now today I am not sure it is responsible to worrying about what could be, it seems better to be looking at what is, what must be, what will be, what I am sure I can make happen. Today I know that I am struggling to earn 10% of that goal number and I am caught between the idea of what I want and what I have and the gap is so huge that I am falling into it . . .

Self image goals were set as well- self vs others perception. Yikes! It frankly doesn't matter that I am clearly that bright capable accomplished man. I am not performing like it and it doesn't matter a whit what me or anyone else thinks, I am who I am performing as I am. Period. I know that shame plays a part in my personal discomfort but the fact of the matter is that I SHOULD feel shame. Remember me? I am that bright capable accomplished person and that person SHOULD be ashamed to be living like this!

Personal habits-yep- these goals are more than a dream. Whether I succeed at any of those big goals or not, it will be necessary for me to take charge of my life if I am going to live AT ANY LEVEL with any level of safety. Period.

Building a business has always been my goal. Running other people's business or running my own I have always strived to do so in a way that was not dependent on my actions and decisions. That is one of the big differences between being in business and having a job. I have always worked toward having a business. Of course that is all fine and dandy but before that can happen, I have to make a living and get my life under control.

I have taught untold hundreds of managers and sales people over the years about goal setting. Restaurant managers, team leaders, shift managers, supervisors, in several industries and at several levels of business. Had I been coaching myself in February when I set those goals I would reminded myself of how to define a goal.

Goals are specific, measurable, achievable, and meaningful.
I would also go on to warn myself that setting a goal too low provides no challenge and therefore no reward but that setting it so high that it is not likely to be achieved is a prescription for failure and likely to have the opposite effect from the intention.
I would have also suggested that it often makes sense to set intermediate goals so that you can see if you are on track, what is or is not working, and to adjust both the goals and the activities as needed.
A critical but often overlooked part of goal setting is clearly defining the process that will take you to the result. It is ok to adjust the process (in fact it is a necessary step in maximizing performance) but to just say you are going to do something without saying exactly how it will happen makes no sense. If what I am doing now will get me to the goal there is no need for the goal, if it won't then I MUST define what path will get me there.
Goals have to have meaning- why do I want to do this? will it matter to my life? will it matter to my job? my happiness? why?

Without those attributes what you have are not in fact goals. They are dreams. Dreams are nice but they can not be counted on. Goals should be dependable. Even if we miss them, the path toward them should get me closer to where I want to be than I was before. If a dream doesn't come true it is simply a nice story to tell but didn't necessarily move me.

New goals:

Basic Needs/Money/Safety

Earn enough to survive. That is: 2 transactions a month minimum.
Grow the business. By Q2 a run rate of 3 transactions a month, Q3 a run rate of 4
Reduce Debt to manageable level. Q2 payoff $15K in high interest debt, Q3 $20K, Q4 20K
Invest enough to grow what I do. Q2 increase marketing inv to $1500 mo
Grow what I do. Run rate to prepare for 2009 at 5 transactions mo
Decide what I want to do. Ongoing- not really a goal . . .

Love/Belonging

Do a better job of supporting London personally and financially. Help London with Car.
Be a better friend to those few who are truly friends. Visit Fl and WA
Decide if it is possible to be involved in a successful intimate relationship. If so, is it possible to be in that relationship with someone who will make the effort worth the time and to whom I have enough to offer that it justifies the cost to her. Not a goal-
If I decide to have that relationship, then do so! If I decide not to, then build that life alone that is comfortable and at some level satisfying to me. Not a goal-

Self Image Self Actualization Etc - Not really a goal.

Accept who I am and live with it. Start now.
Find what gives meaning and joy and do those things. Today meaning comes from creating value and worth in the world. In money, people, business.
Don't take this step too seriously- it will likely take care of itself if I solve the ones above.

Ok- the process of talking my way through this has left me in a different position than I started in- this may have been helpful? I am still not sure of the value of the "warm-fuzzy" approach to understanding myself, my relationship to people, my personally challenges in life management, or in the soft process of visualizing and believing vs the more rigid approach to setting goals and making them happen.

Either way, I have just spent an hour venting this and now I have to get some real work done so that I don't fall behind my goals.

Here is my goal for the weekend.

Formalize the goals above and post them with deadline dates and a specified follow up process-

To be complete and posted here on Sunday evening.

Preliminary draft complete Saturday evening.

Get my bad attitude back under control and make some good things happen! (this one is hard to objectify)

Note to Ruth-Work and Effectiveness-Thanks Ruth!

2008-03-04T22:13:00.003-06:00

Hi Ruth!

How is the psych ward this week? I hope it is good- it's good here!

Stopped into Skinhorse for a moment and read a bit . Nice. Thought I would drop you a note ot say thanks

Let me rant about work for a moment though ok?

End of a long day where I worked from can to can't and at the end of the day I look and wonder what the heck did I really accomplish today? I My memory here is a bit hazy but I think that there is a definition of work that has to do with moving things or something. At any rate, I am pretty sure that work by definition does not have to produce results, You know, if you spend the day digging a hole and the next day you spend filling it up you have worked very hard for 2 days.

Kind of pointless I think.

Makes me think and think some more!.

I have always taken pride in being a good worker. I start early and stay late. I move a lot of dirt! I am strong physically and bright enough that I can move the mental rocks around pretty well too! I am a good worker and if you are hiring workers then you would be lucky to have me.

Problem is that I realize more and more that the world is not made better by doing more work, My life is not better. My bank account isn't fatter. Hungry people are still hungry and the lonely ones are still lonely.

At the end of the day, what the world needs more of is people who are effective,

That is what bosses are supposed to be for I think. To help those who work to work on the right things in the right ways at the right times so that in the end, the work produces results, Interestingly, I have spent my life leading people and have always been good at helping them to get good results. Unfortunately, I often worked at it!

I want to quit working so hard. Every day I want to live in an effective manner- I want to know that I choose my actions, (I think they often look a lot like work) so that they produce results!

The farmer in Kansas who uses every conceivable means of saving work and increasing his effectiveness and planning for the highest possible yield and at the end of the year has earned a profit and fed hundreds if not thousands of people with his effort works just about the same number of hours as the poor Guatemalan beet farmer who breaks the soil, plants the seen, weed his garden and ultimately gathers his crop and trades with a neighbor to have just barely enough to eat. Hard work is not a virtue, It is the fruit of the labor that enriches the world. not the labor. That Kansas farmers effect is food for people and the profit that comes from being available to him and his community and family. Results!

The janitor in the hospital who swings his mop is working- it is not until he begins cleaning the floor that he is actually making a difference in the world. His fatigue is not a virtue and his sweat has no value. It is the clean floor that it the goal and ultimately what the patients through the bill from the administrators are wiling to pay for,

I know that brings up a whole bunch of ideas to be discussed regarding management philosophy and labor relations and fairness and equality and a whole lot of other drivel that is generally a tug of war between those who are willing to be held responsible for their lives and those that want others to be responsible for them but today I am not going to go there. Today I am just going to remind myself that results are the only things that really matter.

My business is absolutely full of opportunities to work without compensation. When you work without getting paid it is generally a pretty good indicator of how effective you have been. I am not yet sure how this will work but it is time to learn how to make those determinations and do the work that people want and need and prove it by being willing to pay for it. Societal norms lead me to to be polite and not want to just say right up front- hey! I do this for a living and I am a person who takes responsibility for himself and I want you to hire me to get results for you. If you don't want results, it makes no sense for me to work for you! I don't like to work for the sake of the labor, I work for the sake of the result!

Since I am a real estate agent, that means the following- results in the context of my profession are as follows: Either I help you to sell your home or I help you to buy a home. My mandate is to help yo to do so in a profitable manner that is legal and ethical, in the best time frame for you, with the most pleasant experience. I am paid to advise and encourage and to empower my clients. I should be a resource that gives them the knowledge, experience, systems, and structure to get the best possible result for them. In exchange for that result I get paid, If I am not able to fulfill my responsibility and don't get results, (home bought or sold) I don't get paid. Through out the process I would consider it an enhanced result if we each had a positive experience. Learning may be a result. Fun and friendship may be considered results. But it is vital that I always work from the standpoint that I am in this business as my means of adding value to the world and that I expect to be compensated for it, I owe my clients the best result possible and they owe me compensation for keeping my end of the agreement,

So that brings me back to where I started, too much work, too little result, How do I fix that?

In no particular order- I must start making it clear when I start working for someone that when I do work, it is with the goal of getting results. Business now, business later, referred business, but if someone is not either a potential client or a person who can introduce me to a client then why would I work for them and why would they want me to? It doesn't make sense!

Like the bunch of ideas paragraph above this also brings up the whole question of marketing and relationships and all those things that make up the process of getting new customers- I understand that some of those things must be done in order to get the opportunity to work with people who want me to get results for them. I also know that somehow I have to reduce the work put into that process until they begin bearing fruit.

Another thought- is there a way to identify and then present my service to people who are motivated to get results? Joe Realtor spends over 85 percent of his working time cultivating relationships through advertising, prospecting, marketing,networking, etc and only 15 percent of his time doing the things that he gets paid to do. Imagine if Ford or Honda or Chevy spent 85 percent of their efforts on getting customers and only 15 percent on the actual design engineering manufacturing and distribution of the car. That would be nuts!

So- back to my thought- I have had some success before in designing marketing systems that generate many leads and methods for culling quickly through them to find those that that are serious about doing something. Others can be fed to automated marketing and follow up that is much much more effective,

Having said all that, I also know that the solution I just talked about does cost money and unless I am working with more serious clients and getting their sales closed I cant afford to make the change to that system. Catch 22 so to speak

Perhaps the solution is to keep overworking but start to slowly put in place (as I can afford it) the systems that change who I am working with and the process by which I work with them,

Yep that's the ticket!

My goal continues to be out of the hole by the end ot the year. a full time assistant helping me to drive our effectiveness in getting motivated clients and serving our current clients better than anyone in town, and being physically and mentally and emotionally fit,

Work like a dog BUT be ever vigilant of how to increase effectiveness,
Build a team and transition our client generation systems,
Stop working like a dog and instead, just do those things that get results and the things that I want to do!
Have fun!

Spread the joy!

You know, I started out here by reading one of Ruth's Deep Thoughts- God is Good is God, I do love that idea, Whenever I have tried to talk about it folks get so scared that I am somehow demeaning God by saying that he may not just be a great big smart powerful human to the max. I tried for so many years to accept the idea that God was a big guy and he had a family of three and he used gold to pave with (which as soft as gold is would probably be uneven right at the beginning of the eternal dance thing) and was mad at us if we treated people badly but was pretty comfortable making humans flawed and then punishing them for it; It didn't work out for me.

God is Good is God, Good as a noun, I love that idea. All that is good is God and God is all that is good, The hard part for a lot of people is that it gets hard to be judgemental then doesn't it- when a really nice fellow loses his temper he ceases in that instant to display god and when a mean nasty fellow stops to help someone then danged if he ain't just a bit of god for that moment-

Ruth - I always enjoy reading you, I am better for it, Maybe just a bit more Good in me too!

Have a nice nite,

Mark

sometimes I think it would be fun to be able to follow a thought without all the side trips and then forgetting where I started

waiting for the other shoe to drop

2008-03-02T10:03:00.008-06:00

The dragon waits . . .

There are things coming up behind me, nasty things, ugly, dangerous and dark things.

Most of them I have never seen and many I will never see- silent and potentially deadly they live in that space where my eyes can't quite see, my ears can't quite hear. As far back as my memory will take me I remember them and knew that apprehension and that terror of what may be.

Quick, turn and look!

Motion in the shadows, a rustle of their knarled hooved feet scrambling back into the darkness, they are getting closer but not yet here! A constant sense of foreboding.

I am tired. Those monsters are heavy and the burden of their awareness is a weight on my body and my mind and my heart and I am tired of carrying them.

The first time I went through the process with a counselor and uncovered ADD/ADHD (I really do hate that last D) I was off the charts symptomatically- all the symptoms to some extent and most were constant companions. I don't remember ever holding still and the constant motion of multiple thought streams, the music in my mind, and the social affects and were eye opening. The one that grabbed my attention above all else was having the feeling that there is something there behind me just out of sight that I should be vigilant against. I know that feeling and have come to accept that it will never completely disappear. The idea now is to learn to live with it. To learn to use it and to manage it so that it is less a source of fear and more a drive to keep moving, growing, becoming- I love the title of the the book by the Intel CEO a few years ago, "Only the Paranoid Survive". One of the things that has helped is accepting that as I am prone to drop the ball on some of the basic processes of life then one of the dragons may be me and that very tendency may be a wonderful means of protecting myself from myself?

Some of those monsters I know well. Some of them I have likely created to protect myself and as such I know what they look like and what their teeth may feel like- some of them seem to have been born from some dark part of my own lack of confidence and understanding and those sneak and hide and speak in words that I don't understand with promises of calamity yet unimagined.

There are men and women who feel no fear. I am not one of those. I will fight. I am not one who falls trembling and fails to face the monster before me. With trembling hands, and knees knocking I have faced the terror before me and have prevailed. I proudly consider myself a man of courage because I do and will face the difficult, the dangerous, the absolutely terrifying and will do what needs to be done. Courage is not being unafraid; courage is doing those things that scare me. Standing up when every fiber in my being tells me to sit. To walk when my natural inclination is to run. That fear I can beat and look forward to beating it again. True courage is choosing to deliberately act in the right when fear is driving you to react. Not to react but to make a deliberate decision to act.

I have kept working and going when it was clear I could not succeed and found success.

But today, I am tired.

There is a terror that I have yet to beat. The burden of carrying it is so heavy I often want to run and it takes all that I am not to do so. That monster, that dragon, that karmic payback that stealthily moves behind me and getting closer sharpens it's claws and drools in anticipation of a great meal.

The other shoe.

There have been times in my life where I knew that I was winning and that I was stronger than the monster but in a matter of moments the thought would pass and what I feel every day overcomes what I know and the dragon returns. It's still coming. It wants me.

I wonder what that dragon is? Is it Karmic payback for some ungodly sin I have committed? Is it the price to be paid for the gifts that define my life? If those qualities that are me are in fact gifts then the idea of a price becomes irrelevant- there are no strings attached to a gift.

Karmic payback- I can't see how this makes sense at all. Although I have not been exactly sin free in my life I am confident that I have consistently tried to do what I believe is right. I haven't hurt people or lied or cheated or any of the other big sins. In fact, my guilt and my pain has been from not being good enough or strong enough or being able to be consistent in my efforts. My "gifts" are offset with weaknesses that I have yet to overcome and for that I feel pain and frankly, the payback is built into those weaknesses. The only thing that I can think is a true "sin" in my life is my not living up to my potential, to not being good enough. I feel that every moment and it makes no sense. I have yet to meet the person who is able to fully live up to their potential.

I am nearly 52 years old. I can quickly list a few things that I have done, been, accomplished. Wonderful and fun things. If I heard anyone else tell me of those things I would say, wow! That is amazing!

When I remind me of those things my reaction is very different.

When I talk about having moved through the corporate ranks I don't find pride, I find that instead I look and feel that I could have should have done so much more. Never enough- When I look back at the few serious relationships that I have had I somehow find that rather than celebrating the wonderful love we shared I blame me for not having been a better partner for her; more understanding, more the kind of man she needed, or perhaps even feeling that knowing that I am a hard man to be with I should have saved them the pain and not been there in the first place.

I know from history that as I achieve a success in the important areas of my life, there is a time coming soon where I will do or be something that will take that all away.

This I "know".

This I do not like.

This has to change!

It is time to "Know" something else!

I think about the monsters and usually I can rationally come to terms with them, realizing that there is a whole universe of unforeseen potential that I can not control and that it is silly to fear it. It's there for everyone!

I know this is true! But it doesn't feel that way.

What I know rationally is often at opposition with what I feel. When I see that difference I usually have found that what is rational is safer, saner, and easier to deal with than what I feel.

The problem is that word "usually".

I also know from experience that preceding the manifestation of the monster, before the dragon dances on my life I have always missed something: I saw it coming, I had a warning, the small voice spoke and I failed to listen-

Actually what I just said is pretty telling . . . I didn't miss something, I saw it and I chose not to pay attention to it! I Chose! The fact that I ignored that wisdom was clearly a choice~ a wrong choice, but a choice nevertheless!

Damn- that's not a cool thing. I chose to ignore the voice, the knowledge, the warning, my own better judgement.

I can look back and recall when that voice spoke into my ear. I can look back and replay the process by which I chose to rationalize another course of action. Something easier, something more fun, something that felt at that moment safer. Often my wisdom would be telling me that I could do or be better and my choice was to accept "good enough."

I knew better and I chose.

Time to start listening and to choose differently!

I don't believe in contradiction. If two things are contradictory, then at least one of them is wrong. Perhaps they are both wrong?

I find safety in separating feelings from thinking. Feelings hold most of the fear and thinking seems to hold most of the answers. But neither is perfect.

Could it be that successful hunting requires embracing both thinking and feeling simultaneously and finding that third alternative? There are objective facts that are clearly rational in nature. Facts. There are many truths that are very difficult to objectify and therefor seem to clearly fall in the area of feelings and emotions and intuition. Truth.

I have long held that Truth and Fact are not exactly the same.

Seems true enough- the idea of letter of the law vs spirit of the law, loving vs being in love, of being nice vs being good, or selfish vs self centered, of memorizing the answers vs understanding the material, of effort vs results, making love vs having sex, there are a jillion examples of those subtle differences- Truth and Fact are not the same but they share a lot, don't they?

Ok- thinking vs feeling. I tend to use the word Know to mean that something is certain and factual and beyond question. It is interesting to note that a moment ago I used the word to describe Knowing the right course of action or answer in areas where there is clearly no rational way to objectify.

"Are you sure you are in love?" "I Know she is the one"

"Can you do this?" "I know I can"

Take it a bit further and you come across the idea of "Knowing" God, enlightenment, yourself, what is right-

OK- those are not objectify-able but I (and likely many others) use that word as if it was an objective factual statement. And it seems to work.

So- does this mean there the third alternative. Language, ideas, and information that are blendings of Truth and Fact and that can function as either one? If so, is there a reason to try to use them in an understandable way?

If so, it would seem that you almost have to ascribe to this category the attribute of being able to bridge these two categories in a creative way.

That voice, that wisdom, that knowledge may not be objective but if I look back over my life I have known right and chosen wrong and have seen the results enough to be able to say that yes, I knew. When that knowledge comes it is in fact, Knowledge and should be treated as such.

Two lessons here I think:

Learn to recognize when that voice is speaking as it is speaking. Learn to KNOW.

When I KNOW, chose to do that which I know I should!

I will get back to the monsters soon~ but first another short side trip-

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People who are born deaf, think differently than people who have learned a spoken language at a young age. Their thought processes follow totally different patterns and processes and although they usually arrive at similar conclusions to hearing people it is interesting that we think totally differently. I am not sure of the relevance but I do find that this as being at least anecdotal evidence that we are who we are at least to a great extent because of the words we use. It would seem to follow (although still only anecdotally) that the words we CHOOSE to use would have a similar affect.
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I think that adds another lesson, number 3. Choose to use the language of that knowledge.

Back to the monsters-

Two things here- one is the idea that something is sneaking up on me. Some of that is probably healthy in that I am vigilant and therefore emotionally able to respond to the unexpected. It is also a reasonable defense against my intrinsic tendency to lose track of life's details. Knowing that I also tend to double check and usually am able to prevent most fallout from that lack of consistent follow through.

The other part of the monsters is that idea that those monsters are pursuing me to take away that which I accomplish. Silly at best and paranoid the rest of the time. It doesn't feel right and it makes no sense. The universe is not conspiring against me personally. The universe seems to work in a pretty predictable way and the only things that are coming to get me are the things that I have created and not taken care of- there is a certain amount of chaos out there for everyone all the time but it is not personal and not directed at me. Those things I set in motion and haven't continued to take care of may be uniquely directed at me but as I have control over those things I expect I can either fix them or take the consequences . . .

One of the things I am working toward is putting in place the systems and habits that kill those dragons- personal life management, financial systems, business systems. Develop the habits, listen to me when I warn myself, find personal or professional help.

There will always be something lurking behind me just out of sight. The goal is to make that creature MY creature, a companion who at my bidding helps me to keep moving, to do that which needs doing. I think that is why he is there!

So, - if I am going to befriend that monster, I think I am going to have to slay his companions. My companion is sentry and guide and a somewhat nervous reminder. The others that are back there have to go! Those that worry about next months rent can be killed by remembering that I have and will earn to support myself. As I kill and bury that one I may heap dirt on his grave by proving it and earning and saving; he only worries so far in front of us and the further out the crisis is the less he speaks to me. Taxes, business, love, social relationships all have their own dragons . . . time to slay them, one at a time!

Let's see - have I learned anything here today? Maybe-

Learn to recognize Knowing.

Choose to Act on that Knowledge.

Choose the language of that Knowledge.

Some other thoughts for another day-

Words as vehicles to contain change and creation of the future.
Faith as the mechanism of creation-
"One thing at a time, only one. Do the thing, and you will have the power.
If happiness it the goal, what are the true components of happiness-
If we are all part of the whole big thing, then is there a difference between truly aware self-interest and altruism?

Do you need what you want or want what you need or . . .

2008-02-27T12:32:00.006-06:00

You don't always get what you want, you get what you neeeeed!

Really?

What this country needs is a good 5cent cigar!

What he needs is a good swift kick in the rear!

I need to get laid, (really!)

I really need a vacation!

I want you, I need you, but there ain't no way . . .

I taught first graders for Junior Achievement for a while. Six weeks on wants versus needs and who in our community provides our needs and of course what we need to get what we need. If memory serves it was a pretty short list:

Food
Water
Clothing
Shelter

At the most basic level aren't those the needs?

Maslow had his little heirarchy of needs and somewhere along the way he came to love and respect and all those things. Needs.

So how did we get from thinking that needs are things we must have to survive and can then be thought of as good things (see the big 4 above) to things that will contribute to our happiness and comfort (love, respect, purpose, etc) and then finally to the things that karma says we deserve (the swift kick in the rear).

It occurs to me that if I didn't have those basic needs covered I wouldn't be here anyway. Dead for lack of those things so maybe it's just that we take those basic needs for granted but like the word and the concept of necessity . . . do we have a need for needing . . .

I don't know anymore what I need to do.

I am not always sure that know what I want- to be, to have, to do.

Funny thing is, I think the only thing I really need to do, is to keep doing.

A Trip to a Safe (and wonderful) Place #1

2008-02-27T12:31:00.007-06:00

When I was in the fifth grade Mrs Carasco gave us a wonderful assignment. Simple and to the point. Write a story telling about your life as a grown up. Your home, your family, your life. Who do you want to be when you grow up? How do you want to live?

I have long since lost track of the paper and I don't recall the words but I do remember the time and place I looked ahead in my memory and wrote about. I still remember that place and try to get back there to visit whenever I can. As I have recently spent time taking apart my dreams and memories and all those things that make me who I am and who I am becoming I have found myself wanting so much to go back to that place I have yet to create in the world where I spend most of my time.

________________________________________________________________

We have been driving for a bit now, out of the city, the noise, the traffic. We left the city and a few minutes ago we passed through the small town we have come to think of as home. There are a couple easy restaurants and stores and a dusty parking lot in front of the sherrifs office. The few people on the street smile, shading their eyes as they look and then recognizing us they wave and their smiles spread wide across their faces. These are our friends and our neighbors and it feels good to know and be known. A nice little town but not so nice as to be a destination for the traveling public. On the main street there is a hardware and feed store, a couple gas stations, a friendly tavern with cold beer, good food, and room for the kids, a small grocery, a Mexican Restaurant with a great patio, and a dry goods store and office supply. Professional offices, such as they are, are gathered at the end of the main street. Good simple strong people in a good strong simple town. Not much pretense here. In just a very few minutes we pass through the town and cross the little river on the concrete bridge and then we are back in the country.

Time passes nicely here. We have time to laugh and talk and then settle into the nice silence of friends who know without words how the other is appreciating the wonderful world we are passing through.

Do you see the drive there? Just ahead on the right? It curves around a large old tree, up the hill and dissappears over the crest. There is a fence along the road and the drive enters the property through a wide gate with a cattle-guard. The gate is open, in fact it nearly always is and beside the stone gateposts is a large mailbox. Once through the fence and off the road the drive has wide gentle shoulders and is not fenced; grazing animals can cross the drive at will.

We are driving a pickup truck and the windows are open. The weather is warm and dry and as we cross onto the property we slow to allow a couple of steers to move off the road and out of our way. Did you hear the rumble of the cattle guard as we crossed it? The sound carries across the valley and up the hill ahead of us. Dust billows up behind us and the smell of the fields and the animals drifts in the windows as we crest the hill and look across the valley at our home. . .
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TBContinued and modified soon!

Proud work memory #1

2008-02-27T07:35:00.003-06:00

When Miguel slashed Franky's tires in the parking lot he wasn't thinking. He was after all a fairly typical 15 year old Tex-Mex borderline delinquent with a chip on his shoulder and Franky was a fairly typical 40 year old West Texas Good Ol'Boy with a bad attitude. Miguel also wasn't paying attention to the great big fellow in the oil company pick-up truck who grabbed him by the collar and dragged him into the restaurant where Miguel worked and Franky was a corporate officer on a restaurant visit.

It got pretty exciting for a few minutes . . . the good Samaritan roustabout dragged Miguel into the restaurant and after not so kindly convincing Miguel to be quiet he asked who owned the Lincoln with 4 now flat tires. He told the story and Frank exploded with curse words and threats of arrest and violence and promises of devastating retribution. Franky wasn't thinking much either.

I worked for Franky as the manager of that little West Texas Taco Restaurant- actually all 66 of our managers worked for District managers who answered to Regional Managers who answered to Franky. Franky was important. Just ask him and he would tell you.

Miguel worked for me. He was the morning prep cook. As he had been kicked out of high school for a variety of behavior problems he had taken one of the few jobs available to an uneducated 15 year old Mexican Kid with a bad attitude in West Texas. He had signed up for night school to prepare for his GED and occasionally tried to work the occasional weekend evening shift for extra cash. Miguel had worked for me for several months and I liked the kid. Too much attitude, too much testosterone, too big of a chip on his shoulder but I really liked him! Like most 15 year olds he forgot to think sometimes but he was smart, he was stunningly efficient, and he learned! Whatever I showed him, stuck. As we worked together to help him understand performance and quality standards he got it! The idea of benchmarking performance and clear expectations made sense to him and he thrived. Like I said, I liked him- smart mouth and all.

Did I mention Miguels cute little 14 year old girl friend? She was wonderful! She came to see Miguel for his lunch break and was there for him when he got off work. They were adorable and she was starting to show the evidence of their coming family. She apparently wasn't thinking much either.

Franky lived near the store and visited often. He made it clear from the first time he met Miguel that he thought he as a lost cause. Couldn't see past the accent and the quasi gangster outfits and the low-rider Pontiac. One more example that Franky didn't think. He saw Miguel as a delinquent and I saw him as a young man who understood the standards and expectations and was determined to exceed them. He loved the objectivity of those standards. I loved that fact that he understood them.

A few months into Miguel's time with the company Fred came in and found Miguel smoking a cigarette while he was cleaning the waste area behind the restaurant and went ballistic. It was 6:40 in the morning, Miguel was way ahead on his work schedule and had taken it upon himself to clean up the area but all Fred could see was the fact that Miguel was sneaking a cigarette. Rather than calling the shift manager or me or anyone, Franky sent Miguel home in a fit of anger. Five days off without pay! No conversation or investigation. Like I said. Not a lot of thinking.

It was two nights later that Franky was visiting the store with his wife and kids when Miguel was driving by and noticed the car- swung into the parking lot, stepped out of his Bonneville low-rider and put his knife to work. Not a lot of thinking.

Later that night after I recovered Miguel from the oilmans grip and got him to talk to me, (he was starting to think then . . .), I talked to Franky at length. Having him arrested would satisfy a need for punishment but wouldn't replace the tires and Franky wanted his tires replaced. And he wanted Miguel to pay for them. I had everyone write down what had happened and finally Franky left with the understanding that we would meet the following day to determine Miguel's fate. Somehow in the process I had become in Franky's mind a part of the problem- I had hired Miguel after all. Franky was angry, Miguel was scared, and I was thinking.

The next afternoon Franky came by after the lunch rush and we all sat down. I asked it I could make a proposal that might help his tire problem and teach Miguel a lesson he would not forget. That morning Miguel had gone to see a cousin who ran a tire shop in the area. The cousin, Miguel, and I had worked out a plan. The cousin would dispatch a truck that afternoon to replace all four tires on the Lincoln with identical brand new tires. It would be billed to Miguel. Miguel wrote a note to us requesting that until he paid the entire cost, we should direct payroll to pay him with two checks each week- both halves made out to him. On each payday, he or I would deliver one half of Miguel's pay to his cousin until the debt was paid. Fred would get a weekly report of the declining balance. Fred was concerned that Miguel was getting off easy because he got to keep his job and didn't get arrested. I pointed out that working from 5am to 3pm every day for the effective rate of $2 an hour or many months was pretty serious punishment-

In the end, Franky's desire for the tires outweighed his desire for retribution and we all agreed.

Early in Miguel's 16th year he paid the debt off.

When he made the final payment he sent a note to Franky thanking him for allowing him to take responsibility for what he had done. In the note he also expressed a respect for his job, his company, for me, and for Franky.

By the time Miguel was 17 he was a father and also had become a morning supervisor at the restaurant. He took and passed his GED with ease.

I had become the training manager for the company and right after he turned 18 Miguel was promoted to assistant manager of one of the stores. Now he and his new wife were able to move into an apartment of their own.

I was transferred out of the area and my contact with Miguel became less and less frequent- but I still loved to see the reports of his success. He became a restaurant manager and performed very well. His employees loved his combination of hard nosed standards with objective compassion. He was a good man.

Years after I left the company I was driving through West Texas and stopped into one of the company restaurants for lunch. While I was eating I heard a familiar voice in the kitchen and when I poked my head in it was Miguel! A few years older and a few pounds heavier but the swagger and the grin were still there- He was on a tour of the area as he had just been promoted to regional manager for parts of New Mexico and West Texas.

Miguel had just moved back to Odessa with his wife and their now 3 kids (he had thought about it and three was enough!), had a nice home with a pool, loved his work, had started taking some college classes on the side, was happy and enthusiastic.

We talked for a few minutes before I got back on the road- we laughed at the stories of friends and family and associates around West Texas and now spread across the US. When I was leaving we shook hands and he held on to get my attention. Looking straight at me he asked me if I remembered when he and Franky met and of course I did. He told me that they work well together but that Franky still looked sideways at him and that it was OK because he knew he couldn't undo what he had done. Then he thanked me. For helping him not be arrested and for helping him keep his job and for helping him to focus on what he could do and be. He wanted me to know that he was who he was because I had stood with him and held him accountable while giving him a chance.

When I think about what I do and what I have enjoyed and what I am most proud of, there are a handful of stories like that one that top the list. Working in fast food can be a demeaning, exhausting, mentally and physically draining experience. Your friends and acquaintances won't tell you how they wish they had a job like yours as it sounds so exciting. More likely they will say something along the lines of "well, I guess someone has to do it."

They are right. Someone has to. I am not sorry I am no longer doing that today but I am forever proud and grateful that I was the one who got to do it all those years ago in the oil patch. I like to think that whether anyone remembers me or the role I played, there are people whose lives are different and hopefully better because I was there.

Happy!

2008-02-25T12:17:00.000-06:00

Quick re-read of my last few posts and I want to remind myself of something-

Being happy is the goal!

Happy! Liking myself, enjoying my own company, loving my family and friends, being loved by my family and friends, feeling like I am effective in dealing with life, proud of my own ability to make use of my personal talents and abilities, working hard and getting good results, creative, having the ability to choose my responses to the challenges of life, living without fear of the future, and being confident that I have value and that I will continue to find life fullfilling.

Happy!

Competence

2008-02-25T11:56:00.000-06:00

There was a professor at UNM in Albuquerque that I like to (probably mis) qoute sometimes-

"Competence can only be measured by performance."

The context was in a special ed environment but it applies to everyone I think.

Her point was that our belief that the LD students we were working with had latent abilities if we could just uncover them was useless until we could find objective evidence that those abilities really exist.

When I try to justify myself by my intrinsic abilities I am just flat wrong. My deeply held opinion that I am smart and that my judgement is good and that I am a morally competent person has no value until I can show those things in my actions. I am only as smart as I am acting today. I am only as kind as the kindness I am performing and only as good as my life shows me to be. Potential is a wonderful thing but has no value to me or anyone else until it is manifested in activity-

I am only as good a person as my life demonstrates-

I am who I act like . . .

2008-02-25T11:45:00.000-06:00

In spite of the problems with saying I am not my past, I "know" I am not.

We are exactly what we do today. A mean nasty person who gets up one day and makes a choice to ACT nice and who keeps that commitment is in fact a nice person. Frankly even if they still harbor mean nasty thoughts! If they choose to say nice things and do nice things and make good choices then their internal struggles are not important.

I think I am saying that we are the person we act like we are. I don't think you can be a miser if you act generous and give, a coward if you face your fears and act brave, sad if you act happy all the time, or stupid if you do smart things. Conversely, a friend is not if their actions don't show it, a lover is not if they don't express it, and a smart person who acts stupidly is for all practical purposes, stupid.

The point of all that is that changing who we are would seem then to be a decision to act followed by the actions. If there is a way I want to be, all I need to do is behave as that person would behave and I am there! Instantly! No ramp up time, no waiting! As soon as I act like that person I am him!

I am not my past-

2008-02-25T11:38:00.002-06:00

I continue to take refuge in the safety of separating who I am from who I have been and both of me from who we are going to become. Not limited by my past and all that -

That brings up another truly confusing thought~ If I am being confident that I can succeed and think and create and make things happen based at least partially on what I have done in the past then what happens when I create that separation between who I was and who I is? I am not entirely sure I understand how to bring the virtues forward without bringing the flaws. Yins and yangs and Newton's favorite legal restrictions and all that.

Hmmm- I am not terribly comfortable with this idea-

We are what we are! Dammit! I would not ever expect another person to carry my responsiblities. They are mine. I may not be who I was but I am certainly on that Mark's evolutionary chain . . . There is a problem with my semantics or my understanding or something- I know that I am not what I was. But . . . do we get to choose what we bring forward?

Again- there is a flaw here as it is clear that we aren't going to let everyone do that all the time- "ok, I know I used to be an ax murderer but I am not that person anymore" How then can we say, "ok, I know I used to be an irresponsible, disorganized, lazy, confused guy but I am not that person anymore" In fact, the idea of saying, "ok, I used to be a 5'6" tall blond woman with just about an average iq but now I am not that person anymore . . . I am a 6' tall brown headed man with an iq of 165 and the athletic skills of a decathlete" strikes me as being ludicrous.

I am struck with the idea that our belief system is not only limited by our past but it damn sure better be. The alternative is madness!

If we were once less human than we are now, then it follows that we are limited to some degree by what we came from? Who I am is the sum of all the ingredients of my past stirred by my ambition, my intellect, my dreams but aren't even those things the products of my past? I may dream of a better life but I don't dream of another reality - I may think better than I ever have before but my thinking is still limited by my capacity to do so- we can want to be more and even different and we can become those things but only as far in front of us as our experiences and natural gifts will allow us to see.

Yes it does

2008-02-25T11:38:00.001-06:00

Hard Work works.

I am that man

2008-02-25T11:36:00.000-06:00

Well yes, I am that man who walked away from a level of success to pursue a dream that he should have could have would have known was not real if he had listened to himself, paid attention to the little voice, done what he knew to be right. But of course, I am different now. Now I always listen . . . really? Now I always pay attention . . . since when? Now I always do what is right . . . . God help me that it be true.

Scriptures

2008-02-25T11:35:00.000-06:00

There are several scriptures that have always spoken to me- this one seems so appropriate to the current trend toward the "new-age-y manifest a better life through the law of attraction" thinking that is so common lately:

"Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."

Love that one! It makes my dreams and wishes real!

This next one has the absolute opposite affect on me-

"to whom much is given, of him much is required"

Damnation cometh!

Titanic

2008-02-25T11:31:00.000-06:00

Reading an adventure novel- heroes living up to their stations, risks taken and rewarded; courage, discipline, and brilliant deduction being the order of the day-

Probably the genesis of my thought today-

An allegory- we as the captains of the ships of our lives. Made me think- The Titanic taking water, settling slowly at first but clearly sinking and the band played on. The captain, sure of the design, so very sure that it couldn't sink and wouldn't sink and exhorting the band to play, so doing damned some many hundreds to their deaths. He KNEW the ship could never sink.

Praise the lord- and pass the ammunition.

If the ship is taking water it would seem the right thing to do is to man the pumps, dispatch the repair detail, send an sos, alert the passengers to the possibilities and thank the divine that we still have minds to think of solutions and hands to bring them to pass. Then if there remains the time and energy it would be ok to examine beliefs and ideas.

I can't help but wonder when it was that realization hit the captain that what he knew was wrong.

I am also sure that his insistence on the false vision of reality compounded his culpability.

I need to work more on that whole Manifesting the Secret of Visualizing the Quantum Meta-Physical Law of Attraction and Creation thing. I am confident that there is truth in there but I have yet to hear a factual explanation . . . He KNEW the ship could never sink. Can you have a more perfect visualization?